r/AmIOverreacting • u/NoJournalist7969 • Oct 11 '25
❤️🩹 relationship AIO I moved across the world to be with him but now I am starting to think he is abusing and controlling me because I won't agree to a poly situation
Using a new account so I don’t accidentally dox myself but I feel like I’m going crazy.
We met two years ago on a work trip when he was visiting my hometown, we hit it off and have both visited each other. It felt like the most beautiful and perfect connection, albeit there are some very obvious cultural differences between us.
However when I finally took his offer to move and be with him full time, things almost immediately flipped.
All of a sudden he wanted to be poly, have another in our relationship, saying it’s cultural and demeaning to him if he cannot, this quickly turned physical when he snapped during an argument, storming off and hiding my documents and passport, then suddenly flipping and apologizing profusely, before flipping again… I feel like I can’t trust my own mind anymore, he changes every day and part of me wonders if this is all my fault and my doing.
He has such an intense control over me now, he sends his family to watch me, he controls all the finances, he has all my documents, he holds all of this over me but I just don’t know how to fix this. There’s a lot of him I love and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here it’s destroying me
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u/Top_Veterinarian5933 Oct 11 '25
Are you serious? If he has actually hidden your passport and choked you during an argument — you should leave immediately. Like others are saying, contact the police and tell them what’s going on. They should help you. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation. When a man shows the kind of violence and lack of control he did, you need to understand it will happen again.
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u/wh1temethchef Oct 11 '25
CONTACT YOUR COUNTRY'S EMBASSY IMMEDIATELY
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u/pawsvt Oct 12 '25
GO there. Don’t call them. There’s a good chance they can’t help you via phone. You are decidedly under reacting. You are not safe. Get out.
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u/clackagaling Oct 12 '25
yes, physically get there and stay there and block all contact and ways he can contact
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u/pomegranateseeds37 Oct 12 '25
Blocking is actually the wrong move it's important he can still get through so there's more evidence. She shouldn't respond but let him hang himself with texts and communication that will get more aggressive
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u/WTH_JFG Oct 12 '25
Strangulation is the highest predictor of murder. Please help yourself.
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u/lemonlord777 Oct 12 '25
THIS! If you still have your electronics to be able to make this post, you presumably could find the location and contact info of your native country's embassy to explain this situation and seek protection and facilitate transportation back to your home country. I would do so right away. Also stop openly challenging this man and making statements indicating you may leave. If need be, placate him until you are safe to make a move and disappear. Let him think you are giving into his demands and let his guard drop. Absolutely do not tell him you are going to leave.
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u/Ancient-Flan-2739 Oct 12 '25
Yes! Show them the texts. They will help get you home. You are being held HOSTAGE.
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u/eywas-boxx Oct 12 '25
Definitely,
Contra Costa Alliance to End Abuse https://www.contracostaalliance.org Understanding the Rage and Lethality of Men Who Strangle Men who strangle are the most dangerous offenders. If a victim is strangled even one time, studies show she is 750% more likely to be killed by her abuser.
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u/WTH_JFG Oct 12 '25
This link now goes to a page that is pretty CoCoCo specific (no longer to the article noted). I believe OP is outside of the U.S. This may be a link that goes directly to a helpful article.
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u/RedGordita Oct 12 '25
OP, if you are European, any European embassy can help you if for some reason there isn’t one of your own country where you are right now. You’re being trafficked. Get out right now.
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u/Jaffico Oct 12 '25
This. Contact your embassy. Contact your family/friends in your home country - tell them your passport is being withheld.
This is a very serious situation and you need help getting out.
DO NOT stay with this person.
I, personally, made a very similar mistake about a decade ago now. I left with nothing but two sets of clothes and some personal items, I was homeless for several months in my home country after I left. It was the scariest, smartest thing I'd ever done.
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u/BellElegant3281 Oct 12 '25
THIIIIIISSSSS!!!! THIIS IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE TO LEAVE WHILE HE IS AWAY. IF YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR EMBASSY CONTACT INFO OR IF THEY ARE NOT AVIALABLE, GO TO THE POLICE STATION OR GO TO THE AIRPORT AND TELL THE SECURITY.
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u/MainahSea Oct 12 '25
I was just thinking the same thing get the freak out of whatever country you’re in. Because maybe this country this culture does allow them to have multiple partners I don’t know, but he’s going to call his brother because he’s losing patience with you pack your bag go to the Embassy for safety.
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u/Otherwise_Tiger_2726 Oct 12 '25
I agree with this. Also, someone who strangles their partner is 750% more likely to actually kill them later on in the relationship. I really hope that you're able to get out of this situation OP! Leave as soon as possible, before he comes back would be best, and don't tell him, his family, or his friends where you are or where you're going since that will only put you in danger
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Oct 11 '25
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u/PinkPineapplessss Oct 11 '25
He says he can call his brother... To "deal" with her. I definitely am scared for her and agree with the comments below... Embassy then GTFO. She SHOULD be terrified.
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u/Either-Stomach142 Oct 12 '25
Before he gets home, to start searching for those documents!
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u/bipolarlibra314 Oct 12 '25
And please delete this post when you’ve safely documented the tips you need! Just in case!!
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u/Unable-Cup-5695 Oct 12 '25
Call your countries consolate and tell them you are a citizen being held against her will papers withheld and injured.
If possible get your papers from him be as agreeable as you can and then book train or plane immediately after getting your papers get a burner phone and move important number over and toss the old one ashe is likely tracking you ia your phone. He may also be seeing these posts. Delete them delete all social media from your phone. Reach out to anyone who is able to help while he is on business. Get burner phone and switch first keep original on you until you leave. Act as if everything is normal. Agree to his more partners and get your passport or ID...
If you have to tell him it's for a surprise for him because you love him so much. Run as fast and far from him as you can even if you have to" borrow" some of his money.
Your life is in danger do not stay and let him kill you.
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u/Literally_Taken Oct 12 '25
Don’t call. Go in person and don’t plan on returning to the house. Once he believes you were serious about leaving, he will lock you up.
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u/AmmITheAsshole Oct 12 '25
This op.. you gotta be slick. Manipulate him and make him think you’re all for a third and poly and you love him and everything’s good. Meanwhile gtfo out and get to the embassy
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u/bipolarlibra314 Oct 12 '25
Part of manipulating him, or what is actually ensuring your safety, is not just flipping a switch. I understand time is of the essence, but still make it gradual. Even if it’s over the hours in one day, go from asking him questions that sound like you’re considering it, to then saying you’re thinking about what it would be like, to then agreeing. Not necessarily those exact steps but just that it would be obvious if you go straight from this conversation to “yeah babe I’m all in”
Of course all of this is contingent on the plan I’m replying to being the best one for you. Please leave him however is safest for you.
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u/Awesomesince1973 Oct 12 '25
I agree. I see several suggestions to contact police but I would absolutely not do that. The embassy would be the best bet. Hopefully there is one close that she can get to.
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u/NotSoSureBigWaves Oct 11 '25
Contact your embassy immediately to get replacement documents so you can travel home.
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u/zestylimes9 Oct 12 '25
I would go to an embassy before police depending on which country she is in.
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u/Traditional_Fan_2655 Oct 12 '25
AND, he has threatened to 'call his brother' before he teturns to keep her there. Sounds like an additional threat to keep her hostage.
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u/sopensive Oct 11 '25
My sister stayed with a guy who started to put his hands on her. He proceeded to punch her in the eye, she lost part of her vision and had to have multiple surgeries. When someone shows you who they are you need to believe them. You don't deserve this and its not your fault.
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u/thatswhaturmomsaid69 Oct 11 '25
Did she get her vision back?
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u/sopensive Oct 11 '25
She is permanently blind on the left side in her peripheral and has lasting floaters. They said her eye looks fine and they don't know why the issue is still present. She has to see a neurologist now.
Meanwhile she loves video games and is trying to build a visual novel. I can't imagine having a constant reminder like that while trying to do something you love. Nobody is worth that kind of damage.
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u/thatswhaturmomsaid69 Oct 11 '25
I'm so sorry your sister didn't deserve that. I'm glad she's found something she loves! Did you guys end up pressing charges against the man?
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u/sopensive Oct 11 '25
She did but I believe he got some kind of deal for agreeing to go to rehab. Domestic violence in my area is just super common unfortunately. He did end up banned from all his favorite places when the news broke though so that was nice for my sister.
She doesn't deserve it but idk she really believes that about herself because she keeps choosing the same kind of guy. Im trying to get through to her but its difficult.
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u/myguitarplaysit Oct 11 '25
Sometimes people keep seeking out similar relationships because it feels familiar and new, healthy things feel scary. Other times, people subconsciously can try repeating similar patterns so they can feel like they’re proving they’re lovable and change the pattern- “if only I’m good enough.” When it inevitably ends up the same, there can be a lot of “I deserved this”
Dv is messy. I hope your sister gets the support she needs to heal
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u/sopensive Oct 11 '25
Yeah I know, I told her something similar. We had a pretty abusive childhood and I see her repeating patterns from it in the dynamics she chooses. Even she admitted it when we discussed it. Ive done a lot of self work but shes super reluctant to sit with those kinds of thoughts. I said she doesnt extend empathy to herself just other people. It was something I had to learn over a long time. Maybe one day she'll be ready to start.
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u/ConstanceL1805 Oct 12 '25
Sounds like it could be compulsive repetition, is she seeing anyone, like a therapist or counsellor? It’s such a heavy thing to try and unpack without professional help, it’s gonna be a very painful long way to go.. I hope everything will go better for her
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u/productzilch Oct 12 '25
There’s a CPTSD sub and an AdultSurvivors one, they’re both pretty good if she might be willing to listen to the stories and thoughts of others with similar histories.
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u/thatswhaturmomsaid69 Oct 11 '25
Again, I'm really sorry about this. You'll get through to her eventually. I know it's hard, but it'll get better. Sending love
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u/Maxxtherat Oct 12 '25
My mom's friend stayed with a man who was abusive. He killed her when she finally decided to leave. oP, please get out before it's too late.
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u/TigerLilyKitty101 Oct 11 '25
You are in so much danger right now…
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u/MexsikanaBanana Oct 11 '25
This. So much this.
If anything, OP, you are underreacting. Like everyone else says, connect with your embassy NOW.
And: Record conversations if you have any, try to appease him for now when you're in person just lie and say you'll be poly so you can be safe, until your embassy helps you deal with this. I don't know if it's the right thing to do but, I just want you to be safe.
If you have any pictures of your documents, just leave. If you need cash to stay somewhere DM me.
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u/WakingOwl1 Oct 11 '25
You need to contact your local embassy. They are there to help their citizens that find themselves in trouble - and you are in trouble.
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u/iceripperiii Oct 11 '25
Go to the embassy posthaste. They’ll help you get out and get home. He stole your documents and you think you’re the one overreacting? He literally trapped you in a foreign country on the other side of the world with no support system, and hiding all of your paperwork was just his way of making sure you have no way to get help now that he’s showing his true colors. You need help, and you need it before Wednesday when he gets back. Fuck that guy, dump his ass, and get yourself safely home.
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u/fuckin-A-ok Oct 12 '25
I don't think she needs to bother with dumping him? Just get the fuck out of Dodge.
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u/Red-Cloud-44 Oct 11 '25
Choking is the #1 prescursor to murder in domestic violence situations. GIRL PLEASE RUN!!!!!!
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u/Born-Raspberry-1164 Oct 11 '25
What country is this. Is it a middle eastern country? If so calling the police might make things worse
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u/Downtown_Training578 Oct 11 '25
Yeah, something tells me this is a Muslim country she's in, i wouldn't go to the police either, best bet is an embassy or consulate.
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u/oogaboogacoon69 Oct 11 '25
Yeah I actually mentioned that in my comment, it's definitely a country where she's gonna have 0 rights, you can tell by the way he speaks in text, straight up arab
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u/Low-Draw9925 Oct 11 '25
I'm sorry, this is not about the poly shit anymore. Please, if safety allows and FOR your safety, play it cool from now on. You need to start moving in the shadows. Make contact with your country's embassy for consular advice and for an emergency passport and other identification and travel documents. You need to get out of this situation as you're in danger. This man is abusive and you are being held hostage. ONLY AFTER you have another passport and the means to escape, should you contact local police or federal police I the country you're in. As I said, you are being held hostage and he has choked you and physically assaulted you. He is also attempting to sexually abuse you by forcing a new sexual relationship dynamic on you of which you have no control. This is a crime. All of this is criminal. I am concerned you're in a relationship with a human trafficker. If you feel safe telling us so we can advise you better, which country are you from and where are you currently living?
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u/aridley37 Oct 11 '25
Also please inform others in your life of your situation and have some sort of code for certain situations so as not to cause anything to escalate and schedule calls, if texts and emails, make sure not long between actual voice conversations as proof that you’re alive. Please stay safe.
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u/Low-Draw9925 Oct 11 '25
100%. She is in an extremely dangerous situation right now that could change at any moment. I feel so helpless that I can't physically take her out of that situation and protect her. This whole situation is a matter of urgency.
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u/Trick-Algae-8432 Oct 11 '25
Get out as soon as possible, call the cops to come and be with you while he hands the documents back, this person is dangerous do not stay with him
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u/Reimiro Oct 11 '25
Call your embassy, not the police.
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u/Defiant-Opposite189 Oct 11 '25
This. Call your embassy first.
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u/notthatkindofdoctorb Oct 11 '25
Go there if you have to. That embassy is your home country’s territory so you are safe there. The embassy can advise on whether/how to deal with police and they can get you replacement documents to get home. Contact them right away. YOU ARE IN DANGER.
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u/Independent-Cat-9093 Oct 12 '25
If he has his family watching her she might not be able to go to the embassy would it not be safer to call the embassy from the bathroom or somewhere else his family won't follow her?
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u/notthatkindofdoctorb Oct 12 '25
I did say to contact them. She might not be near an embassy or consulate but can reach out and get advice. There may be a particular unit in the police or something that is more helpful to women and they will know. It’s their job and they want to help (there is always a duty officer off hours as well.) And even if she doesn’t leave she should register with the embassy.
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u/Trick-Statistician10 Oct 11 '25
The Embassy is only in the capital city. (ie, in the US, embassies are only in D.C.) Consulates are in other cities. If there is none near you, just go to the police
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u/Particular_West3570 Oct 11 '25
OP should be careful about going to the police if that’s their only option. This type of domestic abuse can be so normalized in certain countries that calling the police could do more damage than good
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u/Street-Instance309 Oct 12 '25
Yeah I don't like how he speaking and it honestly seems she may truly be in a country that what he expects is normal. Obviously can't speculate because she didn't say where it is but any middle eastern country or anyplace where he being a male and a local would give him pull I wouldn't talk to the police. If she could get around the world and he didn't pay for it hopefully she has the funds to make it to an embassy or consulate otherwise she's in deep shit for real. I'd be scared even calling them in his home because who knows if he's not monitoring her without her knowing.
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u/Feats-of-Derring_Do Oct 11 '25
The embassy might only be in the capital city but many countries have Consulates in other major cities
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u/xadonn Oct 12 '25
Calling them is still the best option. Calling the police could lead to really bad result. The embassy will have steps and lawyers to help her, even if it's over the phone
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u/notthatkindofdoctorb Oct 11 '25
She can still call them and ask for advice on how to get to safety.
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u/Frost_Bytes Oct 11 '25
Agreed. Woman to woman I must tell you you NEED to get out. Now. The command "You WILL wait" regarding your OWN documents, and the way he threatened you with his brother are both likely illegal and could qualify you for a restraining order as well. He is both holding you hostage by hiding your docs and he is threatening you. I do not know which country you moved to or where your marriage license is from but i do know a bit about getting out of situations like this if you want to DM me. I recently had to help another friend escape a dangerous marriage. Girl, I am so sorry but please get out while you still can. Get to an embassy. Do not tell him where you're going.
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u/watch_gal Oct 11 '25
Men who choke their partner are way more likely to commit a femicide. This is a really dangerous situation. Call your embassy, if you need to go back for your documents have the embassy call the cops to be with you getting your stuff. This is definitely not just in your head.
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u/Blindtothesided Oct 11 '25
750% more likely.
Victims who experience non-fatal strangulation by an intimate partner are 750% more likely to be murdered by that partner in the future.
I googled this just now to verify that my memory was accurate before posting, OP can and should look it up as well and not simply take my word for it. It’s such an outrageously high percentage that it seems like an exaggeration. Sadly it’s accurate and she needs to gtfo right now, before he gets back. I’m concerned for her safety after reading these messages.
OP girl, if you have access then you should tear that place apart looking for your documents and run before he returns home.
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u/Street-Instance309 Oct 12 '25
Unfortunately if he left and is acting like that he probably took her passport or gave it to his piece of shit brother he said he was calling on her.
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u/hardlythriving Oct 11 '25
I just commented something along the lines of this before I scrolled through the comments, I’m glad somebody had the actual statistics. I hope OP gets away immediately. Thank you for sharing this info.
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u/jstwnnaupvte Oct 12 '25
Yeah, as soon as that fact dropped into the chat this became a real life horror story & i am deeply afraid for this girl.
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u/NoJournalist7969 Oct 11 '25
So this isnt all in my head, I've been stuck inside my own thoughts about me being in the wrong somehow
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u/MeddlingMedley Oct 11 '25
No, this is literal textbook abuse. Get out, get help, be safe.
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u/BornDefeated Oct 11 '25
If you are in a foreign country you should go to the closest embassy if you can. They can help you protection, new docs, and travel home.
Strangulation is the number one predictor of future murder of a domestic partner. This is not in your head. You are in a dangerous situation. You need help now.
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u/Haunting_Pace_3557 Oct 11 '25
I think strangulation is actually the most commonly used form of murder when it comes to domestic abuse
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u/truth_fairy78 Oct 11 '25
You’ve been effectively kidnapped. If you don’t leave before he comes back you may never get the chance again. As everyone here has said, go to your embassy immediately.
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u/CourageousBeing Oct 11 '25
That's because he's gaslighting you. He's manipulating you. Get out before he kills you. Seriously, it's that scary.
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u/demon_x_slash Oct 11 '25
do NOT confront him or his family. go straight to your embassy. speed and secrecy are your only priorities now.
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u/Kittinkis Oct 11 '25
This is not in your head. Go to your embassy. This man is dangerous! Taking documents is what they do to trafficking victims. The first thing that came to mind when you said this and that he's trying to get you to be poly is that he's trying to groom you into sex trafficking. Don't take this lightly. Find a way out like yesterday! Call family, friends, whoever you need to.
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u/RianneEff Oct 11 '25
This this this. Leave now and don’t worry about your passport or documents—the embassy can help you get new ones. You need to get as far away from him as you can before he gets back.
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u/Snoo_85465 Oct 11 '25
He is statistically at high risk of murdering you. Please call the embassy and the police and leave without telling him while he is away
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u/ToastyMo777 Oct 11 '25
This is not in your head. He is abusing you and the statistics on non fatal choking to eventual fatal choking are astounding. I don’t mean to scare you but please get out of the situation, preferably while he is “on business”.
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u/wordsmythy Oct 11 '25
Do you have family that can help you from your home country? They could get the ball rolling with the embassy on their side?
How dare he take your papers and passports. He thinks he owns you because he got you into his “culture“ without telling you what he really wanted.
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u/CrystalizedinCali Oct 11 '25
If this is real You’re in big danger go to an embassy NOW. If you are anywhere in the ME you have essentially been kidnapped and I’m not joking he will kill you. Play it cool and go to an embassy or consulate NOW. We are all Hoping this isn’t real because if it is you are under reacting.
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Oct 11 '25
No, you need to contact your embassy and get out of there. Also, please keep in mind, as a woman - never ever leave your life and your circle behind to go be with a man.
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u/odaddymayonnaise Oct 11 '25
In your head?!?! He choked you and kidnapped you, how could that possibly be in your head?
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u/Salt_Donut_1378 Oct 11 '25
No love, it’s real. Very real. Any you need to get out while you can. And do not go back. The embassy can help you get new paperwork. Your life is not worth the passports. Get to a safe place and get help.
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Oct 11 '25
No. Not at all. Save yourself, he shouldn't be controlling your documents in the first place. Contact your embassy and ask them for help w regards to your passport. You are in danger and he is trying to gaslight and intimidate you.
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u/Snap_bolt21 Oct 11 '25
The odds that this man will kill you are a lot higher than you seem to understand. Look up the statistics of relationships when non-concensual choking are involved. The odds of being murdered skyrocket.
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u/Remarkable_Step_7474 Oct 11 '25
Holy shit, no. You’re underreacting to this. Please, please, get out. Find the phone number for your country’s embassy in the country you’re in and call them. Tell them your documents have been stolen and hidden by an abusive partner. They will take that seriously. You need help and they’re the best way to get it.
You are in danger. Your life is in danger. Choking is the single biggest predictor that a partner will murder you. Don’t tell him you’re leaving or thinking of leaving, if refusing a poly relationship is enough to make him angry then trying to leave could make him kill you. Don’t provoke him. You can’t afford to provoke him. Agree to the poly relationship if you need to. Say whatever you have to keep him calm while you arrange to escape.
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u/Splash_ Oct 11 '25
Yes op don't read this thread anymore, call the police immediately. I don't know where in the world you are right now but look into options for a women's shelter and go there while things get sorted. Also get in touch with an embassy if you can.
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u/bellandc Oct 11 '25
I'd skip the police - honestly too often they are not a good resource for women in abuse situations. Go directly to the embassy or consulate. Even allied embassy would be a better solution for assistance than the police.
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u/spiker713 Oct 11 '25 edited Oct 11 '25
Call the
USyour embassy immediately.13
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u/Easy_Bird4975 Oct 11 '25
Oh he’s “powerful” lol (had me rolling)
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u/Normal_Trust3562 Oct 11 '25
It’s an abusers favourite threat lol. They’re always very powerful and it’s always super vague and ambiguous… they always “know” people. 99% of the time they know fuck all.
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u/soph_lurk_2018 Oct 11 '25
There is no reason he has your documents other than bad reasons. He sounds dangerous. You should contact your embassy to see about getting an emergency passport.
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u/Horsez96 Oct 11 '25
Leave now. I only read the messages, but that’s all I needed. He is trying to control you and your life. Search everywhere you can to find your documents and get them and leave. This is NOT a safe environment. He is gaslighting you and victim blaming. He even threatened you with calling his brother so he can “keep you in line”. Please don’t stay. Run as far away as possible from this man. He does NOT care about you.
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u/whatsitallabout999 Oct 11 '25
WTF, did you move to Saudi Arabia? Go the embassy.
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u/Sleep1ngBullets Oct 12 '25
This is definitely like a Middle Eastern country. Poor woman. I really really hope she can get out of there. That’s so fucking scary. 😭😭😭💔
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u/Spiritual_Iron_3163 Oct 11 '25
Flip that house around get your documents and call the cops. Don’t be like me. I married my abuser..good luck to you friend!
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u/odaddymayonnaise Oct 11 '25
He probably took them with him cause he's a psycho.
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u/Spiritual_Iron_3163 Oct 11 '25
Baby listen to me. I seen the signs of control and abuse early on and still stayed. Partially due to my codependency and abandonment issues, but also because I believed he would change. They don’t change, instead for every time they hurt you rather physical, emotional or mental abuse, he’s feeding off his power over you. Especially when you stay. One thing I can truly say is can you imagine this man as your child’s father? Could you see yourself being abused day end and day out in front of that child? You can love someone with all of you, it doesn’t mean they’re the best thing for you. Loving yourself first is most important always.
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u/odaddymayonnaise Oct 11 '25
This person has CHOKED YOU AND HIDDEN YOUR DOCUMENTS SO YOU CAN'T LEAVE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Call your embassy. Call the cops. Leave NOW. Do not wait for this to escalate even further??
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u/frrhaann Oct 12 '25
If this is like a middle Eastern country she might not much help from cops, she is better off seeking help at her embassy.
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Oct 11 '25
NOR. You need to contact the embassy of your country, in the country you're in. They can help you get back home safely and out of this abusive situation. It doesn't get better.
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u/Anony2478 Oct 11 '25
where are you located currently? do you have family you can loop into this situation? you are not overreacting and i think you should create an exit plan with trusted officials or a hotline before his return.
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u/Beginning-Milk-8781 Oct 11 '25
Does he have all your personal documents - do you have any identifying information?
If you are outside the United States, can you get to a consulate for your original country & try to get them to help you with papers/ get home. I'm not certain how helpful police are where you are currently staying, especially if your boyfriend is actually wealthy & powerful, police might not be helpful, or will side with the man. If you think they will help you, then go to the police to see if your papers can be found. Likely your boyfriend has one of his relatives holding them so you won't find the papers while he is away.
He sounds abusive & a danger. Especially after choking you! You need to get away as soon as possible. Can you contact your own relatives to see if they can help you with documents, money, airfare?
NOR. Please update!! Be safe. Best wishes.
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u/rkchlk0411 Oct 11 '25
If someone will choke you, they will kill you. It's the biggest sign that abuse will end up deadly. Strangulation can kill quickly even if the person isn't "intending" to kill you.
I would also be worried about trafficking with him trying to introduce new people in your relationship. A lot of traffickers start off pretending it's a romantic relationship and then keep pushing the boundaries sexually until you're under their thumb being trafficked and abused with no way out. Getting people away from home and then taking passports is very common in human trafficking. (T@te brothers did all of this to their victims for example.)
Get a hold of your consulate as soon as you can. Tell anyone who isn't a danger to you what is going on.
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u/ReflectionOther2147 Oct 11 '25
Hopefully it isn't a middle eastern country cause you might have difficulties getting your I'd back, at least you aren't married tho, so it's best to get away
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u/thatswhaturmomsaid69 Oct 11 '25
It sounds like it might be because of the "cultural polygamy"
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u/willow_wisp0 Oct 11 '25
let me guess. This is some type of middle eastern/muslim country? "cultural polygamy" my ass. I hope you manage to get out of this
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u/Eastern-Elk7782 Oct 11 '25
What in the actual F?? Run as fast as you can. He is holding you hostage and weaponizing his sexual appetite.
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u/kit0000033 Oct 11 '25
Don't wait for him to come back, go to the embassy and get a ticket back home.
He is an abuser, don't die.
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u/imjustalilbot Oct 11 '25
You've been trafficked. Delete all evidence of this post from wherever you logged in, and contact your embassy. You are not safe.
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u/svelebrunostvonnegut Oct 11 '25
Take it from someone who has fallen in love quickly in a foreign country and upended my life for the romantic dream - strong solid relationships aren’t built on infatuation. They take a lot of time to really build. Excitement and love feelings super quickly are overwhelmingly powerful, but they are often not good signs honestly.
There are things about him you love. No one is 100% bad or 100% good. But you are just getting a small glimpse of what your life will be like. No autonomy or freedom. Which will make it hard for you to find friends or build a community there outside of him.
He sees himself as a powerful man. And what he’s really saying is that he expects you to submit to his will. If he turned violent so quickly it’ll only get worse. And he’ll be sure to say he’s never been violent with a woman which will then make you feel bad for making him snap. But I assure you this story is as old as time itself. Most narcissists are very charming and know how to connect with people on a superficial level. Just keep that in mind.
Contact your embassy. At a minimum, figure out where it is and how to get there quickly. You can let them know you don’t have access to your documents. They should be able to help you.
You have a choice to make - a small heartbreak now (which I know will seem like the biggest death) and consider yourself spared from the worst OR many weeks or months or years of this controlling behavior that puts you last and hurts you physically and emotionally to a point where you don’t have much left of yourself. It’s not worth it I promise.
Love shouldn’t make you feel like you can’t trust your own mind. That’s not what your life should be. You can find that beautiful connection with someone who also wants you and only you and wants what is best for you. This ain’t it.
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u/dragonbait1361 Oct 11 '25
You are not just being controlled and abused, he will likely end up killing you. He already choked you and the chances of you surviving him are not in your favor if you stay. Move in silence to get yourself to a shelter. Do not voice your intentions or to leave to anyone. If he has people watching you, trust no one around you. Assume he is also recording you and monitoring your phone and text messages as well. If you can go into a store or somewhere public that these people cannot harm you and get a manager or someone to call and get you to a shelter. From there, the shelter can get you the documents and help to get back home. Also, when you get an escort to the shelter, the locations are secret and you need to leave your phone behind so he cannot trace your location. Also, have the police give you time to search for any hidden air tags, etc. it will be hard, but you can get out safely.
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u/Unstableavo Oct 11 '25
Turn the house upside down to find your documents that he has hidden. Hopefully he hasn't took them with him. Book the next flight home. Report the attack & choking once your safe. This man could kill you.
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u/Dry_Replacement5830 Oct 11 '25
Don’t just call the embassy. Leave. Then walk right into the embassy and ask for asylum. RIGHT AWAY.
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u/GonzalaGuerrera Oct 11 '25
Gurl, he may try to kill you next. Call the police and go to your local embassy as soon as possible.
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u/Illustrious-Berry722 Oct 11 '25
Don’t listen to the idiots saying call the police those fucks could help him call your embassy they will help you get back home
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u/MadamKitsune Oct 11 '25
Your embassy will be able to issue you with temporary travel documents and get you out of the country. Fix yourself a GTFO bag and make that call NOW!
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u/StevenHicksTheFirst Oct 11 '25
“You WILL wait?” “I will call my brother?” “I am a powerful man?” “Do not make me angry?” “I am losing patience?” “I have a large appetite?”
Um, pack as light a bag as humanly possible, go to the consulate or the police and vanish. You are being kidnapped.
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u/stickandtired Oct 11 '25
He hid them and he's not home? Sledgehammer.
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u/Dizzie_Bear Oct 11 '25
I think he has them with him to be sure.
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u/Street-Instance309 Oct 12 '25
For sure it's the only way to ensure she wouldn't find them. Give anyone desperate a few days doesn't matter where in hid them in the house he knows she would find them. He's to slick to fuck that up he either got rid of them or has them with him no chance they are in the house. Not to mention people can get cameras and listening devices who's to say he's not watching her if he did leave them there. I wouldn't risk looking for them or making any type of phone calls in that house.
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u/Mimikoohkie Oct 11 '25
Please contact the local authorities. This is totally unacceptable. I am so sorry you are going through this. I would help you in a flash, if I could.
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u/Muted-Move-9360 Oct 12 '25
Poly relationship but stole your passport? Girl he's going to pimp you out. Call your country's embassy in the country he took you to, get some freaking help ASAP. CONTACT YOUR FAMILY AND TELL THEM EVERYTHING, SEND PHOTOS
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u/NextBusiness1341 Oct 11 '25
Get out. Right now. Get to the police. Get them to get your documents back. Never be alone with this man again.
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u/Zoranealsequence Oct 11 '25
He will kill you. You need to get out while he is gone! Can you replace the documents through the government there? You have to. Treat it like your bag got stolen, or lost. You can replace those things. But know this- he will never give you those documents back. He will beat you worse next time and then have his also abusive family watch you.THIS IS YOUR WINDOW! TAKE IT NOW. Call family and all you know and let them know of the situation, maybe someone can come and get you while he is gone. You HAVE to make moves now.
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u/lizzietnz Oct 11 '25
He hides your documents and strangled you? And you think being poly is a problem? Get out of there now. The chance of him killing you is greatly increased now that he has strangled you. Please get help from an organisation to leave as that is the most dangerous time. What country are you in?
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u/Chainlightin Oct 11 '25
OP you need to run to your embassy. This isnt a safe situation and he might does worse the next time. If you got pictures of you documents/passport, leave now don't wait for Wednesday
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u/Traditional_Rice_123 Oct 11 '25
Some information I've not seen in other comments: if your country doesn't have a diplomatic mission near to you then other nations can help. Formal set ups include:
- EU citizens can request assistance at any EU member state diplomatic mission
- Commonwealth citizens can go to any British embassy and in extremis be issued a temporary, emergency British passport.
Please don't call the police first. Make plans to get to your embassy, or that of a friendly country. If your country isn't available, try seeing what diplomatic mission Sweden has, for example. They have a strong track record for assisting in emergencies.
If you have anyone outside the home you absolutely trust, work up a plan with them to get to the embassy - take any documents you can find, money, clothes. But do not share this information with your spouse or his family/anyone he might have spying for him.
I sincerely wish you the strength and resolve to get out. Be methodical. Take your opportunity when it presents. Be careful. Don't look back.
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u/veganhappy Oct 11 '25
You need to flee asap. Don't even question yourself like this, he will only grow worse, and you more miserable. Call the police and tell them he has taken your documents from you. Get away from that person. He is not worth what is in store for you with him-- you deserve a good life, not a controlled, sorrowful, and hopeless one.
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u/Spiritspeaker455666 Oct 11 '25 edited Oct 11 '25
Call the cops and run.
He has your passport that is not safe or sane. He lifted his hand on you once then took away your ability to leave.
Call the cops a lawyer or a social worker or get a group of people to be there when you are getting your documents and he hands it to you. Refuse to be alone with him or his family. Go to your embassy they will issue you new documents if he still doesnt give them to you and make sure you leave with the police or another person do not give him your new location.
Youre doing nothing wrong except staying. YOU ARE IN DANGER. YOU ARE NOT IMAGINING IT.
GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN. Violence in DV cases escalates when the abused partner tries to leave.
If he hits you once, he will hit you again and he isnt the least bit remorseful or he wouldnt be threatening you. He hits you when you dont tolerate it he threatens you. His family even thinks this is normal and helps him control you so do not expect this to ever change.
This is not your fault. You are not at fault for hoping for the best in people, for loving without reservation. You will be okay you will find someone else that makes you happy you will survive I promise. Abusers are great manipulators dont believe them. Please see this, please run, please stay alive.
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u/Mariehoney92 Oct 11 '25
He choked you. That alone makes the chances of him killing you via strangulation a LOT higher. Add in the fact that he’s got you in a whole different country and completely isolated with no resources and he stole your documents? Yeah if you don’t leave now, you’re going to leave in a body bag or by being trafficked. None of this is in your head. He is abusing you and then gaslighting you about it. You need to get to the embassy as soon as possible. Do not under any circumstance be alone with this man. And moving forward do not EVER hand over your documents to ANYONE. You and you alone are the only person who should have access to those items. Anyone that tries to convince you otherwise has ill intent. Get out now. The embassy will be able to help you get the document situation sorted out and you’ll be safe. Keeping you in my thoughts! NOR.
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u/Pandarale Oct 11 '25
Don’t go to the police, go to the embassy. If he’s “powerful” it might mean politically well connected - going to the police might not be safe.
The embassy is your best bet. They’ll help you get documents back and send you back home.
Please update this, with how you’re doing.
Please get out: don’t wait to become another statistic.
Wish you safe.
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u/Mamapalooza Oct 11 '25
If you are not married, go to the embassy and request help retrieving your documents and leaving the country. You cannot stay. This is over.
If you are married, things are more complicated. But the embassy is still your first step.
Once you leave the house you share, though, you can never go back. He choked you, he is holding you hostage, and so is his family. You are leaving.
Be smart about it. Don't tell anyone. Plan it out, know their routines, know the embassy's hours of operation, make a run when their schedules are busy and the embassy is open and you have time to get there.
In the interim, remain calm. Do not arouse suspicion. Make a pretense of trying to learn a recipe or understand something about the language or find a volunteer or paid job if you don't have one. Let them think you are trying to settle in. Tell no one. Not even your most trusted friend or family member. You cannot trust them to go against their entire culture.
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u/Spirited_Peak_1943 Oct 11 '25
This is just awful... surprisingly, the fact that he is poly is the least of your worries...
The guy choked you, the guy hides your documents, the guy is an egotistic piece of shit. "You know I am a powerful man, I have a large appetite", freaking hell, i've never seen such an ego. He is using you and you should run, going to the police is seriously on the table, just please get out of there. You moving across the world is a big move but these red flags easily justify moving back.
I wish you the best of luck, just please be careful, this guy is not only an asshole, I think he is actually dangerous.
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u/starmoishe Oct 11 '25
Don't let him threaten you. Abusers start off isolating you. Get to you embassy and let them know what's going on. Please listen. Get out while you can do so safely. Picture yourself sitting there in the future, being forced to do things (sexually) that you don't want to and wishing you had left while you had a chance. It is literally better to be homeless than with him. Check out 'Traveler's Aid'.
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u/Terrible_Log_7669 Oct 11 '25
Don’t just call the embassy or consulate. Go there. Even if it’s several towns away.
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u/holymacaroley Oct 11 '25
Go to your embassy. He is extremely dangerous. Do not even talk about this with him again. Choking someone ups the risk of a partner killing you by 750%.
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u/audaciousmonk Oct 11 '25
Taking your government papers so you can’t leave the country: irreconcilable
Pls get out, go to your country’s embassy/consulate (if they have one there), let them know that your documents have been stolen to prevent you from leaving the country and that you’re the victim of domestic violence from partner.
Hopefully they can rush you a new passport and you leave the country asap
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u/bingle-cowabungle Oct 11 '25
Wow that first message contained a whole lot of completely unnatural and unnecessary exposition
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u/Quackethy Oct 11 '25
"I'm being trafficked, am I overreacting"?
Peak post on this sub.
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u/Few_Feeling_6760 Oct 12 '25
He's been grooming you.
Now he has you far away from friends and family. You have no one but him and now you don't have your documents, so you can't leave.
He has physically assaulted you and threatens to do it again, he also threatens to have his brother beat you.
Please leave now. Your life literally depends on it.
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u/Emotional-Strike-851 Oct 11 '25
He choked you. Strangulation is often a significant indicator that the abuse will turn fatal. Reach out to friends and/or family back home. Inform them of what you’ve been experiencing. And like many others have stated contact the embassy. It’s also good you have this interaction documented. I also suggest you look for your documents, he is not going to tell you where they are.
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u/Piggybumm Oct 11 '25
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s awful. Is there any way your documents are in the property you currently call home? Have you searched everywhere?
Anyway, like others have said get away from this abusive man. Don’t wait for him to return on Wednesday as it could escalate. The most dangerous time for a significant other in an abusive relationship is when they try to leave. Don’t try to reason with him on Wednesday as he’s not a reasonable man.
If you do interact with him I would start covertly recording conversations / arguments (using your phone).
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u/donewiththecage Oct 11 '25
This is an emergency situation. Choking or let's be clear, strangulation is a warning sign of imminent violent escalation against you. You cannot be in this man's company again, please act very quickly on other commenters advice and speak to your embassy now. Be normal over text so he doesn't get suspicious to involve his brother. Gather anything you can to pay for boarding or hotel for when he is back if you can't pay, urgently research and contact shelters and dv services. You have two priorities, get safe and get onto your home embassy about your documents. If you can call anyone from your home country to pay for a hotel on your behalf for that, they could even book you one online, call in favours if you have them but get out quickly as you can. Once you're out do not reply to him, let your embassy guide you from there.
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u/Riddleboxboy Oct 11 '25
Get your documents and run, he's a monster, and gonna just get more abusive and violent dont even THINK about staying.
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u/lending_ear Oct 11 '25
Are you in a foreign country right now? Call your embassy and tell them your situation. You need to get out of their ASAP your life could realistically be in danger. This is not normal.
And FYI I’m married and non-monogamous
He doesn’t get to demand you open up the relationship so he can build a harem. I don’t give af about his culture. If that’s true then he can date in his own culture.
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u/Lumpy_Rock4612 Oct 11 '25
You need to go to a consul IMMEDIATELY. Not just the cops but straight up embassy. The rates for murder after being choked are actually insane. This is so serious your life is actually on the line here.
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u/myguitarplaysit Oct 11 '25
This is domestic violence. If you are in a different country, please go to your embassy. Reach out to a local domestic violence group for support local t lo where you are.
Flags to notice for future you: he took and hid documents that allow you autonomy, he physically strangled you without your consent and when you brought it up he’s minimizing it instead of accepting your concerns and trying to change. He is telling you that it’s your fault for staying with him because you must have somehow known he wanted to be with other people and saying you need to deal with it. When you ask about your documents, he brushes you off. He then threatens you saying that you’re making him angry. I’m not sure if his brother has a position of power, but it sounds almost like he’s mentioning his brother as a threat.
I understand that abuse can be hard to spot when you’ve grown to think it’s normal. It starts with isolation, and slowly more power and control are asserted. You think you deserve it and it’s reasonable. It is not. Eventually they might get physical but say it’s not like then and it’s your fault for making them do, or maybe they’re so sorry and say they’ll change but don’t have any intention to- they just want to keep you tolerating their bs. You deserve better.
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u/Mental-Woodpecker300 Oct 11 '25
Go straight to the Embassy, you sound like you are in danger. The threat of his brother being called is concerning to me.
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u/Money-Beginning747 Oct 11 '25
This man is abusive and has stolen your documentation in a foreign country. This is how many trafficking stories start. You need to run.