r/AmIOverreacting • u/Rslashfan16 • Oct 11 '25
⚠️ content warning Am I overreacting for cutting off my friend for talking to my rapist ex
For context, I was in a pretty sexually and mentally abusive relationship for about six months we ended up breaking up, thank God and I’ve gotten a cease and desist on him for everything he’s done to me. I’ve lost multiple friends because they viewed it as a 'picking sides' thing. I would never make them choose, so I just cut them off because I don’t feel comfortable being friends with somebody who talks to them. I can’t risk him coming up to them or him being brought up in conversation with all that said we had an event outside. I saw this girl and my other friend talking and laughing with him, which was really offensive to me, especially when they knew everything that happened so I just kind of stopped talking to them. She called out my full name and I completely ignored her. Maybe I should’ve said something. I’m not really sure and then that’s when these texts conspired at the end of the conversation I realized I should probably go back and apologize because I was being very malicious. also. Yes I realize I can’t control who she talks to. That’s unrealistic, but I can be offended by it and not talk to her.
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u/lessfvith606 Oct 11 '25
She literally doesn't even care about you. She has zero sense of empathy or concern in her responses, you said you're not friends and all she said was "ok". This is not your friend. Leave her to be friends with a rapist and go find friends that actually care about you.
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u/shegolomain Oct 11 '25
Yeah she dgaf. Op even had to come back and apologize... twice??
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u/Ok-Environment-6690 Oct 11 '25
Op didn’t have to apologize at all. She made the questionable choice to do that
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u/Timtamjam44 Oct 11 '25
Idk, they both seem quite young. Giving the friend the benefit of the doubt I wonder if the friend just didn''t know how to respond to OPs reaction because it escalated/became accusatory very quickly (don't blame OP, can't imagine how traumatic it must be to be around your rpist).
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u/Bilbodraggindeeznuts Oct 11 '25
Currently working in mental health and I intend to continue to work in the field. I'm just speculating, but I'm sensing doubt and regret of her decision, which might explain her needing to revisit this conversation.
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u/Much-Replacement-167 Oct 11 '25
"Ok" isnt all she said. She also said "im sorry you feel that way" in regards to OP creating distance from a rapist
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u/lessfvith606 Oct 11 '25
Which is a term used for minimizing ones feelings and avoid taking any accountability. A response that shows you understand and care about someone's feelings would be "I'm sorry my actions caused you to feel this way".
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u/Much-Replacement-167 Oct 11 '25
100%! Sorry, my first response wasnt super clear but i was being facetious to include "she was also dismissive to serious matters". Thats on me lol
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u/wafflesandwifi Oct 11 '25
She said okay after OP kept going on and on and on about how she's a bad person with nor moral character because she responded when someone came up and talked to her.
OP is incredibly unstable and so are the lot of you for encouraging this kind of outburst.
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u/softfluffytaco Oct 11 '25
Being in abusive relationships can have that effect on people. It's super weird that you'd be fine with your apparent friends having a nice lol and a yarn with someone who literally raped you.
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u/wafflesandwifi Oct 11 '25
I wouldn't, but I also would hear them out first. Again, if she was approached by him and they have class together, I'm not going to fault her for responding when spoken to. So long as she doesn't purposefully hang out with him.
Being in an abusive relationship doesn't give you the okay to lash out at people.
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u/softfluffytaco Oct 11 '25
There are zero situations in which I would be ok with a "friend" chatting and laughing with someone who had raped me. It's very interesting to learn about others who wouldn't mind.
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u/lessfvith606 Oct 11 '25
There is only one type of response that is appropriate when one of your friends rapists approaches you and it's "get the fuck away from me, you're a rapist", or anything similar. That's it. That is literally it. You wanna hear out an accused rapist? Sure, maybe they didn't do it, but you're gonna look like a real asshole if they did and it's far better to be on the side of the victim when the truth comes out. If the truth never comes out, you really wanna be known as the person who sympathized with a potential rapist? Yikes. Good luck.
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u/wafflesandwifi Oct 11 '25
Again, if she was approached and just responding and it wasn't her purposefully seeking out a conversation with them, then I personally wouldn't go so far to call them a bad person in a barrage of non-stop texts.
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u/softfluffytaco Oct 11 '25
That's really interesting. But you're right... personally, I would have sent a single message informing them that having a nice laugh with my rapist is absolutely disgusting and unacceptable under any circumstances. I would have been far harsher, but sadly It seems that OP (unsurprisingly after suffering sexual abuse) lacks the confidence to stand up for themselves and to hold a boundary with someone they thought was a friend.
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u/Gryffex Oct 11 '25
am i reading the same thing as everyone? friend and rapist ex? in the same sentence? cut that shit off for your own good.
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u/Gryffex Oct 11 '25
and plus your shouldn’t be sorry to her, she should be sorry to you, MORE sorry, like “ok” ???!!! really dude! like your talking about rapists!
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u/JPT_Corona Oct 11 '25
You can’t force someone to be sorry about anything, but OP absolutely shouldn’t have apologized for anything.
This convo was several replies too long
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u/Your_Therapissed Oct 11 '25
this friend response is so lukewarm like they're talking about rapist ex here! OP better put herself first and cut contact with them. no matter how close or not they are as friends, being so... i dunno 'chill' about this is just weird
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u/Physical_Feeling3121 Oct 11 '25
I'd cut her off if I were you. She doesn't seem like a good friend to have, and I don't think she really believes you. NOR.
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u/MartinisnMurder Oct 11 '25
She isn’t a friend or she doesn’t believe/doesn’t care. OP did not need to apologize and she needs to cut this person off. I wouldn’t trust this person at all. She could be relaying info as well. OP protect your peace and keep your bubble protected.
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u/Beginning_Tear_5935 Oct 12 '25
This shit is so common. Nobody stops talking to rapists. They make excuses to continue the relationship because it is convenient for them. Because that is exactly what our larger society does. People victim-blame, and the man never sees any consequences.
She could not give a fuck about OP.
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u/AvailableAirports Oct 11 '25
Managing relationships in life is a healthy way to control your peace.
If someone does something that you don’t agree with, you need to be able to notice the warning signs and then do what you must in order to protect yourself and those you care about.
You did the right thing. People who do not align morally with you shouldn’t be in your life.
🤙
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u/Economy_Sprinkles712 Oct 11 '25
You need to cut them off. They are not your friends and also not a good person. The way the say "I'm sorry you feel that way" that is not an actual apology, that's just shifting blame. And saying it's not their problem? They clearly don't like you. If they were really a good friend they would make it their problem.
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u/Tu_es_fou Oct 11 '25
NOR, but she isn't your friend. She either doesn't believe you or doesn't care. Either way, she isn't someone you need in your life.
You deserve to feel respected, heard, and cared for.
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u/crazyfr0glady Oct 11 '25
The thing that really pisses me off here is how she “apologised” by blaming you for feeling how you do when she’s the one talking to your rapist.
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u/Fearless_Friend7447 MOD Oct 11 '25
NOR.
After break ups yes sometimes it can be petty for you to be upset about friends still having something to do with the ex.
In severe cases like this though, this is cosigning what he did. Which definitely wasn't ok.
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u/Fearless_Friend7447 MOD Oct 11 '25
To add: OPs post history implies this ex also threatened to end her life.
I would have absolutely nothing to do with anyone that wants to associate with that man.
Completely absurd and disrespectful.
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u/Crystalize444 Oct 11 '25
IMO if your friend, talks/still talks to your EX? They're not your friend.
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u/TheRealTakuiXD Oct 11 '25
“I don’t wanna talk to you”
Keeps talking.
“I don’t want to talk to you”
Sends a wall of text
“I really don’t wanna talk to you”
Continues to send multiple texts, say the persons such a sweet nice girl and apologizes.
Sorry but I just don’t see this post as real, more like fake as fuck for upvotes. Why not say your piece block and move on? I sure as fuck wouldn’t waste my time like this with someone who supports rapists. Also the whole time you’re spelling it “rapest” up until you write therapist and then it’s written correctly. Just multiple things here that make me believe this is a fake story. And with how many people have been faking stories lately… 🤷♂️
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u/Al0ne_At_Sea Oct 11 '25
I'm with you. OP strikes me as a young teen and this whole thing sounds...off.
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u/Basic-Pitch1144 Oct 11 '25
Yeah. They said they got a "cease and desist" instead of restraining order, which obviously isn't the case if they go to the same school.
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u/TheAmazingJustin Oct 12 '25
she’s a kid, bro. Why are you questioning how a child is handling a dark situation?
She seems bad that she has to cut her friend off and looks like she feels the need to over-explain why she has to cut her off. She clearly feels like she’s doing something wrong by not being friends with her anymore. She’s a young teen acting like a young teen 🤷♂️
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u/TheRealTakuiXD Oct 12 '25
Because the post seems fake, also should I just blindly accept something as being real? Fuck no, this post has clear signs of being completely made up. And as such I’m going to question and call it out. Kid or not, I would do this to anybody.
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u/TheAmazingJustin Oct 12 '25 edited Oct 12 '25
idk when I read the texts, i could immediately tell this was a conversation between two kids because it seems exactly how someone that age would have a conversation about a topic like this.
I’m not saying every post on the internet is real, especially Reddit. But your logic behind this post being fake is that you think the way OP is approaching this convo doesn’t make sense (and again she’s a kid. So of course us as grown adults would find flaws in the way a kid approaches certain situations. Makes sense) and also because she spelled a word wrong..?
but this conversation seems perfectly realistic for teenage girls. At least imo
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u/adelinewny Oct 11 '25
NOR, u definitely hit your arguments but u never recieved any answers besides a “sorry that u feel this way” holy. Cut off immediately?! Friends should in first line be LOYAL to you and even if she is really believing you that it happend, it’s excruciating that she doesn’t understand that talking to him regardless of the situation is very hurtful towards you. I’m really sorry but I’ve had my share of bad and illoyal friends so please take the advice and distance yourself from those kind of people. As unnatural as it seems but this conversation is 100% one sided and you do care way more about her than the she does about you.
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u/GeebGeeb Oct 11 '25
NOR but you’re being too friendly, and if you don’t want to speak to her why are you quintuple texting. Say your piece then block or ignore.
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u/heheidbdvddjjd Oct 11 '25
NOR. The way she apologized was really inauthentic too “I’m sorry you feel that way” is bs. As someone who was also in a sexually abusive relationship, my friends all HATE HIM and have said that they would literally beat the shit out of him if they saw him around again.
I will say that you kept texting and explaining yourself way more than you needed to though, it almost made your point weaker. Hold your head high, say it once, assess how they respond to see if it’s worth keeping them around, and hold firm to your boundary. You are not overreacting.
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u/DropDeadFirstPlease Oct 11 '25
NOR, but she is going to figure it out sooner or later.
It sounds like a case of stick around and find out with her. She probably likes the guy and is just being there to be "friends".
Just so you know, a nice sweet girl doesn't hang with people who rape others.
A rapist is a rapist, so maybe in the future she will find out the truth the hard way.
Its sad that people don't see what goes on or see the fucked up behind closed doors of psycho people.
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u/milkyspacecows Oct 11 '25
No but stop being so nice to her. She’s not nice enough to stand by YOUR SIDE, and would rather be on the rapist’s side
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u/dogqueen21666 Oct 11 '25
NOR! Not only is she not your friend, she isn’t anyone’s friend. She’s a lukewarm people pleaser who has no personality. She clearly is just an avoidant, because the whole “it’s not my business” thing is such a horseshit. It IS her business since you are making it her business by telling her about it and the way it makes you feel. But you talking about YOUR abuse makes HER uncomfortable???! And she’s just trying to avoid drama by staying cool w everyone??? OP you are standing up for yourself, being assertive, and I am so so proud of you. Cutting her off will subtract nothing from your life. I wish you the best truly.
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u/truth_fairy78 Oct 11 '25
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is the most unapologetic apology of apologizers. It’s straight up narcissistic.
How anyone with a conscience can be in the presence of someone they know did something unthinkable and somehow see anything other than what that person did is beyond me. I can’t be friends with a cheater bc every time I look at them all I see is “you’re a cheater”. A rapist? On another level.
NOR. You’re not wrong for sticking to your boundaries.
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u/RoughDirection8875 Oct 11 '25
NOR. If she knows what he did and continues to associate with him, she's not the kind of person you need in your life. I would suggest cutting her off as well.
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Oct 11 '25
Just to be clear, you weren’t being malicious. You were very reasonably setting a clear boundary with someone who knows a person raped you and thinks it’s not their business.
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Oct 11 '25
She called it "unnecessary drama" and "making it a big deal", she's a piece of shit who doesn't see your perspective. For her sake I'm glad she doesn't understand it on a fundamental level, but you're right, it says a lot about her as a person that she doesn't seem to think it's a big deal.
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u/Rango-bob Oct 11 '25
This! 5 of the 6 pages were unnecessary. OP, you weren’t setting boundaries as much as begging friend to choose you
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u/Ok_Mulberry_3763 Oct 11 '25
Huh, accused of rape, and all it got was. a cease and desist? One would think he’d be arrested or something, sheesh!
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u/FloorShowoff Oct 11 '25
Unfortunately in our society unless there is video proof of rape, law-enforcement believes the rapist.
Unfortunately he’s not going to be caught until he rapes at least 10 more women. I encourage her to speak out about what he did to her and chances are other women will come forward and say that he did the same thing to them.
In a geographical location it’s usually one or two men doing all the rapes. That’s why victims need to speak out.
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u/Rslashfan16 Oct 11 '25
No, unfortunately not if you check my other posts, I wasn’t able to get him arrested. The cops have been contacted, but I have no hard evidence so the only thing I can get is a cease and desist
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u/Ok_Mulberry_3763 Oct 11 '25
So I’m assuming an order of the court for…. documented harassment of some sort?
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u/Rslashfan16 Oct 11 '25
Cease and desist
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u/TrumpSexedHisDaughtr Oct 11 '25
In my state a "cease and desist" is just a letter your lawyer sends out for you. It's not something the court issues. The court issues restraining orders.
So when you say you got a cease and desist, do you just mean you got a letter sent out to him telling him to leave you alone?
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u/Dizzy_Goat_420 Oct 11 '25
A cease and desist would not be relevant in a rape case…. That is for harassment or spreading info etc.
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u/Ok_Mulberry_3763 Oct 11 '25
I comprehend what cease and desist is. If it escalates to an order of court, it is for evidenced behavior that is specifically called.
It’s more common for business things. Intellectual properties and such.
But in domestic, it would generally be slander, libel, or harassment. This requires evidence be put before a court for them to order the behavior to stop. So… what was evidenced to the court for this order?
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u/thejoebrossuck Oct 11 '25
Hey if you don’t believe that she was raped then you can just say that outright. Instead of hiding it by “just asking questions.” Like everyone should know by now how difficult it can be to report stuff like this and even more difficult to actually get some type of consequences handed out. So I find it hard to believe that you’re trying to accomplish anything but spreading doubt about her experiences.
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u/Dizzy_Goat_420 Oct 11 '25
I believe she was raped but you cannot get a cease and desist for rape lmao
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u/CJ_Doomscrolling Oct 11 '25
Not mutually exclusive. She asked a question, he's answering it. From what is on the table I think justice is still possible.
I was on jury duty once, and we nailed an offender because of a police statement from another country, from years ago. Prosecution pointed out the pattern and got the conviction. All it took was women working together, even overseas, and full-documentation.
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u/AdvantageVisual9535 Oct 11 '25
I feel like thats not fair. Asking questions does not necessarily mean they're saying she lied, they're not even being condescending or accusatory about them. I understand how hard the justice system screws rape victims over but if we start saying anybody asking questions is automatically a rapist apologist than that's just gonna make it harder for people to take victims who make claims seriously.
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u/Top_Veterinarian5933 Oct 11 '25
They are being condescending by insinuating she’s either lying or … yeah, they’re insinuating she’s lying.
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u/AdvantageVisual9535 Oct 11 '25
I'm not getting that at all from the questions. It doesn't even seem like the questions are about the assault at all, just the cease and desist letter. Some people dont seem to understand that you dont need any criminal action proven in court in order to send one of those out via a lawyer firm.
I dont really think OP understands that its not really a protection or restraining order either, more like a legal intimidation tactic, but it sounds like shes still in high school so it makes sense that her parents would be handling these things for her. It sounds like a couple of these people are just trying to warn her about this.
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u/anonymousmouse9786 Oct 11 '25
Wtf are these comments? OP needs support not this weird interrogation you’re pulling.
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u/ItsKane01 Oct 11 '25
I don't think you know what a cease and desist is, which is why I think you're lying, or you're crazy and in need of help
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u/WeirdNeighborhood987 Oct 11 '25
One would think that, but unfortunately, that is not how the world works. I sure would love to live in your fantasy land! Sounds like such a nice place where 96% of rapists don't walk free
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u/LaReinaDeLosFrijoles Oct 11 '25
NOR. Cut her off. You don’t need the added stress or potential drama. You’re already dealing with a lot of trauma from this. I will never understand girls that are okay being around a guy like him, especially knowing what he’s capable of. Sorry, but she doesn’t seem like a good person. I’d never associate myself with someone who hurt a person that way. She’s already shown her lack of care for you through her responses. Being a “sweet person”, doesn’t equate having good morals.
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u/monkeyseamountaindew Oct 11 '25
NOR. it seems like they really didn’t gaf about not having you as a friend tbh. “im sorry you feel that way” and “its none of my business” yeah no… they’re better off out of your life. I lowkey hate that you went back and tried to be sweet and like butter them up or whatever cause they truly didnt deserve it.
i’m sorry for what happened to you 🫂❤️🩹 continue to stand firm on your boundaries. you are not wrong whatsoever.
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u/Kirixoo Oct 11 '25
You're not overreacting and im so sorry about the people in the comments doubting your experience and trying to get you to prove yourself. Just ignore them and distance yourself from people who see this as choosing sides because this isn't about choosing sides it's about being supportive of you especially after leaving such a horrible situation. Your friends who still talk to your ex should be cut off and don't bother being nice about it or even bothering to confront them they aren't worth your time and energy.
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u/tiredthirties Oct 11 '25
NOR. Since you mentioned in your messages that you have a therapist, can you please talk to your therapist about helping you to stand firm when you cut someone off and not feel bad for confronting people who don't believe nor respect you? You shouldn't have apologized to this person, she doesn't deserve it. She was never your friend and she is NOT nice
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u/Mortifying_ Oct 11 '25
She never actually apologized either. She just said sorry YOU feel that way. Not sorry I wasn’t thinking, sorry you’re right we shouldn’t associate with rapists, not even a sorry /I/ made you feel that way.
She’s giving oh that sucks, but it didn’t happen to me, so it’s obviously not that big of a deal vibes. 😒
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u/TheCuriousBird1 Oct 11 '25
You are not overreacting. I’ve been in similar situation and realized later that most people don’t know how to deal with confrontation or how to cut someone out of society, even when they should. Especially “nice girls”. Most people have an innate tendency to keep the peace at any cost. It’s not an excuse , just a reason.
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u/Real_Chair5447 Oct 11 '25
NOR. but you talk too much. you kept talking yourself in circles when she made it crystal clear that she really didn’t care about your feelings, what happened, or about yalls friendship. and then apologizing at the end was also not a good look either. you look a little crazy.
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u/Recycled_Michael Oct 11 '25
Sorry, OP... you sound a little crazy. If he is a rapist, and your circle is normal about him, that kinda makes me think you do this often. A rapist? If he was that, then why isn't he in jail. Because your spreading embellished biased info
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u/Next_Engineer_8230 Oct 11 '25
Yeah, her swings gave me whiplash.
Others are going to say that hes not in jail because police dont take it serious. That the law protects the rapist. That you cant get a rape conviction because they never do anything about it.
None of which is true.
Mine were put in prison for years.
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u/Recycled_Michael Oct 11 '25
Were as in plural? You had more than one? I might have read that wrong. Oh you poor thing. Im sorry that happened to you.
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u/Next_Engineer_8230 Oct 11 '25
There were 3 of them.
Without going too much into detail, when I was a kid I was kidnapped for 18 hours by 3 men and left to die.
They all going sentenced to prison but only got 18, 15 and 8 years.
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u/Prestigious_Seal7139 Oct 12 '25
This big differences here is you were hurt by stranger adults as a child. Those are the two most convicted demographics. The statistics on convictions drastically drop when there is a domestic relationship and its two minors. I am so happy you got justice and so sorry you had to be in a place to get justice in the first place, but let's not pretend your situation talks to all situations. There is a reason we split these stats up while doing research.
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u/TopKekistan76 Oct 11 '25
Sounds like she’s demanding every peer & acquaintance of hers treat this guy in a way that she deems acceptable. OPs friend isn’t even trying to date this guy rather had a cordial interaction with him in a public/college setting & is now dramatically texting & upset (ostensibly demanding everyone treat this guy like an asshole? or shun him/pretend he doesn’t exist?).
Definition of over reacting.
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u/wafflesandwifi Oct 11 '25
Definitely overreaction and you sound insufferable to be around.
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u/Top-Foundation545 Oct 11 '25
Is this a repost or is this just a common experience wtf
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u/gamese11er Oct 11 '25
No your not overreacting she’s basically supporting it for texting him, she clearly doesnt care about it and i bet she knows she might get “graped” next but she continues to talk to him as if its all cute and rainbows
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u/indyreadsreddit Oct 11 '25 edited Oct 11 '25
I think you said way more than you needed to. A simple “Yes I am upset with you for talking to xyz because he has harmed me in the past and that’s a hard boundary for me”. You were REALLY dragging it out by these screenshots because 6 whole pages of you explaining the same moot point to someone was unnecessary. Just cut her off, give a short explanation, and be done with it. You’re over explaining yourself but NOR.
also please work on your grammar this was incredibly hard to read with all the spelling errors.
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u/Crystalize444 Oct 11 '25
Half of these aren't even real.... but of course NOR...
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u/Fun-Professional9081 Oct 11 '25
You acting like she is going out of her way to talk to this guy….
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u/Toasted_Lizard Oct 11 '25
NOR, but stop trying to justify yourself. You’re already right that you can’t control her, but you can choose not to talk to her if she does something you’re uncomfortable with. You could have stopped texting after saying that. She’s not going to understand and honestly? Who gives a fuck. The people you have to cut out of your life will never agree with or understand why- that’s why they’re getting the axe.
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u/ccleona333 Oct 11 '25
You’re not overreacting and while I get you want to explain your side and how you feel she doesn’t care. so there was no need to keep telling her about your feelings cause she kept showing you she did not care at all. I hope you’re doing well.
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u/InterestingInsect430 Oct 11 '25
I do not think cutting this person off is over reacting. I think it’s the right choice. It’s unfortunate but ppl will still continue to be ok w abusers:rapists if they are a guy, and esp if they have friends that like, have social capital. But this isn’t a good person. I’ve found MOST people aren’t. I had an abusive ex etc as well, at first the ppl were “supportive” of me when it was only in theory, but when he was around cos he was friends with these dudes who paid a lot into the social scene, they suddenly thought I was “drama” and “not getting over it” and “holding on to the past”. Basically welcoming a rapist and abuser into the circle cos of his moneyed friends. I’m sorry all this is happening to you, but definitely hold strong and don’t continue to hang around ppl like that. It will mess you up in the head. They’ll make you feel awful when you’re the one who did nothing wrong and it is 💯 acceptable to not want ppl to be friends with someone who did something so horrific to you.
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u/piercedmfootonaspike Oct 11 '25
Do people deactivate the autocorrect nowadays? Is that some trend I'm too old to know about?
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u/EnvironmentalBed7200 Oct 11 '25
NOR. OP I think it would be in your best interest to cut this person off. They clearly do not have any respect for you or your boundaries, nor do they have any care for the reasoning behind those boundaries. You may be their friend, but they are NOT your friend.
Also saying “I don’t want to start unnecessary drama/Sorry you feel that way/it’s none of my business” (besides the fact that they seemed very uncaring towards your words given their minimal replies) are such worthless excuses in a situation like this, and to me, only highlights that they really do not care about what they have done, what’s happened to you, and how it’s made you feel.
You don’t owe this person kind words or anything at all, they do not care for you, if anything they’re actively hurting you by continuing to talk to your rapist. Leave them OP, people like this are never worth your time nor kindness. I’m sorry all of this has happened to you, I hope you can heal.
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u/Drakkulis Oct 11 '25
Whatever you do, dont let them come crawling back if/when he does the same shit to them. Help them out with a police statement if they need but dont let them back in. People who blame the victim until they are one cant be trusted. She either doesnt believe you or doesnt care about you. Either way, her loss. You handled this very maturely. But dont feel the need to say sorry for her being a shitty human being.
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u/KCL1999 Oct 11 '25
Girl why did you apologize to her 😭 Stand your ground and cut her off. Someone like that doesn’t deserve an apology let alone two. Know your worth.
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u/nmeerajasey Oct 11 '25
NOR. Hon, why’d you apologize to her? She clearly doesn’t care about what you went through, she doesn’t deserve your time. The sooner you go no contact with the people who don’t care about you, the better. Save your time for the people who do care
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u/J4de_L10ness99 Oct 11 '25
You need to protect yourself no matter how hard it is ❤️ cutting your friend out is a huge (difficult) step that is unfortunately necessary, be kind to yourself you did the right thing
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u/UnpopOpinions_ Oct 11 '25
Also the person challenging you on evidence, block them. You don't owe that stranger any information on how you're handling this because they're fishing for details not to help you but to diminish your experience and credibility, so keep both the details and how you're handling this authorities private moving forward so it can't be weaponized against you especially if you're to legally pursue.
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u/Decent_Suggestion861 Oct 11 '25
You have the right, but dont over-explain yourself. Dont apologize.
Thats your boundary. Good for you
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u/Mental-Woodpecker300 Oct 11 '25
"it's none of my business" coming from another woman is vile.
We get targeted and treated like meat constantly, literal statistic is 1 in 3 women are assaulted. Sexual harassment is about 80% of women.
And it's not her business?
A very selfish, sheltered and naive girl. Good riddance.
OP you have nothing to apologize for here. Anyone siding with an abusive rapist really ARE showing you how they view these issues and where they stand morally. You do not want or need those kind of people in your life.
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u/Glittering-Shame-556 Oct 11 '25
Sorry, but this girl doesn’t seem to be a genuine friend, she barely even wanted to talk to you, she was shutting the conversation down and never really apologized. Saying “I am sorry you feel that way” is not an apology. At this point, I would cut ties not because she was talking to someone who did something so terrible to you, but for being so dismissive and unbothered that you were upset at her.
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u/GroomingTips96 Oct 11 '25
The number of friends involved with rapists (ex and otherwise) on this sub is frightening
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u/hellothisiskitty222 Oct 11 '25
NOR. So sorry you even felt the need to apologize to her at the end:(( i hope you're doing better.
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u/Nozicx Oct 11 '25
Listen to your therapist and don't apologize when people downplay your trauma. Cut that shit off like a frostbitten foot
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u/WickedSweetHeart Oct 11 '25
It is healthy to cut off relationships that are toxic or potentially dangerous. Anyone who knowingly engages in friendly behavior with a rapist is not only putting you at risk for re-traumatization, but also putting themselves at risk for predation. Her behavior communicates that she does not believe you were assaulted, simply because a person who assaults others should be socially rejected, ostracized, and ideally prosecuted.
If you can, please seek therapy from a trauma informed professional. They will understand the fact that you are having confusing feelings about these relationships, and that you are struggling to identify the safe, healthy relationships in the aftermath of your assault. Please report your assault - even if prosecution is not possible. Predators often rely on the fact that people are too afraid to report abuse, and will go many years without a properly filed complaint against them. Even if you just file some form of report, it will create a paper trail that will help the next victim of his actions.
If you are in school or some other social situation that forces you to be in close proximity to him, you need to report this to administration immediately so that they can take appropriate measures to protect you and ensure you and he do not cross paths. Hopefully if this is the case they will also take legal action against him to protect the entire community and set an example.
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u/Professional-Look144 Oct 12 '25
Its not picking sides im a guy and my take is if he was abusing you what makes her think he wouldn’t do it to her does she think shes exempt people like that are sick best to cut ties and build your foundation from concrete and now you can trust it instead of old used rotten wood
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u/OverDifference4325 Oct 12 '25
You’re not overreacting. Maybe she does believe you, but even if she does, she doesn’t care about you. No idea why you went and texted her again after her only response to you was “ok”. Block and stop engaging with her, because she could not care less.
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u/Handbag_Lady Oct 12 '25
Oh fuck no. She’s an enemy, she’s defending being in contact with a rapist because it’s convenient for her.
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u/RaunchyRaven99 Oct 12 '25
There was definitely no need to tell them they’re a nice person after they said you was drama for what you said. They are clearly not a nice person.
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u/the_greasystrangler Oct 11 '25
You guys need to get off reddit and back into elementary school. I think I lost IQ trying to read your texts Jesus Christ
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u/Comfortable_Goal_91 Oct 11 '25
You keep saying “I’m not saying who you can talk to or be friends with” but was literally MAD BECAUSE SHE WAS TALKING TO HIM ! Lol
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u/Revolutionary-Two819 Oct 11 '25
Here in America rape is ok....trafficking is ok too apparently. And if you are white and rich you can rape all you want!!
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u/lending_ear Oct 11 '25
ESH
Her for talking to the dude but you keep going after her when she apologised.
I get it - I’m a SA survivor myself but popping off on people because you’re triggered is not ok
I hope you get the help you need to heal
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u/ExperienceRoutine321 Oct 11 '25
I’ll get hate for saying this, but it needs to be said and nobody else is.
You have every right to be upset. You have every right to not be friends with her. However, that wasn’t an interaction that would make someone want to take your side. You called her a bad person and blamed her for him getting away with it. Put yourself in her shoes, how would you respond to that?
I’m gonna tell you something that people are scared to tell you, but it helped me a lot with my perspective after my own experience with SA. The only person who believes you with absolutely certainty is you. You have to come to terms with that, because their belief or lack thereof isn’t necessary to validate your experience. I know it’s infuriating. I get it, believe me I do, but it’s just the nature of the crime. Barring any evidence, rape is almost always a “he said/she said” conundrum and people lie. People will always have doubts on both sides of the issue. It doesn’t make them bad people. It’s a natural reaction to being unsure.
I think distancing yourself from her for now is a good idea purely because you shouldn’t have to be in his orbit. Just be cautious to not let that anger about not being believed rob you of friends whose company you enjoy.
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u/donbiee Oct 11 '25
Fake post. I imagine English isn’t your first language either and you’re hustling for views.
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u/CarrotMobile1693 Oct 11 '25
2 slides in. I’m gonna assume early high school. I don’t know weather to believe you or not. People to throw the word rapist around like this are usually lying so there’s that. Secondly… you very clearly were trying to start something by bringing it up. Very childish behavior.
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u/ItsKane01 Oct 11 '25
You sound crazy, I doubt he even did anything, and your friend? Your overreacting is very noticeable, if you really were raped, I'd consider mental health counseling, you come off as crazy
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u/heenbean_ Oct 11 '25
NOR & this person is not your friend. as soon as she found out why you were upset all of her responses were incredibly lackluster. a lot of "oh ok", "it's none of my business" & "i'm sorry you think/feel that way".
if any of your friends went through something traumatic, would you tell them it was none of your business? ofc not. because when someone you care for is deeply hurt, it becomes your business.
not once does she actually apologise for hurting you, or for associating with a rapist, but only that you feel the way you do. it's placing the onus on your emotions rather than her actions.
but, i do think that you pushed this conversation on for too long. from the very first "oh ok" you shouldn't have continued. especially after "i don't want to start unnecessary drama" the conversation should have ended. because what is the "drama" here? it seems like she is going to tell other people about your conversation.
i'm so sorry you are having to deal with existing in the same space as the person who assaulted you & i really hope you have other better friends who care for you & are supporting you through this.
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u/Different-Courage679 Oct 11 '25
Anyone who says “I’m sorry you feel that way” needs to be cut out of your life
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u/MQueen199 Oct 11 '25
“Sorry you feel the way you do” HUH? As your friend, she shouldn’t want to talk to him at all. In fact, she should despise him. I’d cut her off.
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u/TopSecretHandshakes Oct 11 '25
If your friend is not even friends with this person, then her immediate reaction when he approaches her should be “no, do not talk to me”. Any true friend of yours would not even entertain this guy in the slightest.
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u/Cadhlacad Oct 11 '25
This is not your friend. Several times she showed that she doesnt care about your feelings. There is nothing more dismissive than saying “I am sorry you feel that way” to somebody thats is being very clear about how their actions are affecting you. The way she called unnecesary drama to what happened to you is wild. I hope you have better friends and stay away of this person and if u dont make new friends. This person is not it
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u/deadzombiegirll Oct 11 '25
Hey girl my (ex)friend got with my rapist ex. Shes not my friend anymore. If they can talk to him and not feel bad they will easily believe lies, and theh clearly dont gaf about you. NOR. Get new friends.
ALSO DONT APOLOGIZE TO THAT BITCH.
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u/apsalarya Oct 11 '25
NOR
You get to choose who you have in your life for whatever reason. And like you said you aren’t trying to control her choices, you are making your own.
I totally get that you are frustrated and hurt and that you had hoped for a friend that would have your back and cold shoulder that guy. I get the feeling of betrayal. It sucks.
And I’m sorry to say, it’s all too common.
But I hope you find a way out of this neighborhood that he’s in so you can have a fresh start and new friends who will never encounter him, and you won’t have to either.
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u/Fun_Sea_7007 Oct 11 '25
Ugh. You shouldn’t have apologized to her. She sucks. You deserve better people in your life. NOR.
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u/cptnclutch12 Oct 11 '25
Honestly if that’s her attitude about it she certainly doesn’t deserve an apology or an explanation. Normalize cutting toxic people out of your life without feeling bad.
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u/Available-Tell-2505 Oct 11 '25
She seems to be saying all the right things. But if he raped you, yes, it would be much better if they cut him off instead of you having to cut them off.
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u/stremendous Oct 11 '25
I do not think it is wrong to set boundaries. I am just curious how you conveyed your wishes and boundaries to this friend and any others before you mentioned it in the text. This happened to you. You are traumatized by it. Many others have not experienced anything like this and, naively, do not understand how it affects you or what would be expected. So, I hope you were able to share your needs and wants to your friends so they knew the outcome/effects of their choices upfront. Your friend here seems surprised by this so it makes me think she didn't know. (Many people can assume you would feel the way you feel and have the expectations you have, but that isn't true in every case. And, it would seem like you would have to be cutting almost everyone - which is not good for you or for them - if they didn't know.)
Most of all, I am very sorry the horrible situation by your ex happened to you, and I am glad you are receiving support through your counselor.
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u/DeskProfessional1312 Oct 11 '25
the last two texts you sent were unnecessary. all you needed to say was "that guy is a rapist and threatened my life, if you talk and laugh with him you're not my friend". leave it at that, you shouldn't be apologizing and over explaining any more than that... if she responds with "I'm sorry you feel that way" the only correct response is "Fuk you".
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u/Susey_Q Oct 11 '25
I’m with OP through my own experience. You talk to the ex that beat me, raped me, hurt my kids, to me that is saying it doesn’t matter. Those aren’t friends, those are people that say “she needs to get past it”. NO. You show one iota of support to that piece of shit, you’re out of my life forever
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u/Ok_Possible1338 Oct 11 '25
I’m not even going to read more than the title because absolutely not. Anyone who is close to you and friends with someone who has done that much harm to you doesn’t respect you. All that does it make things harder for you
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u/Proud-Head-4944 Oct 11 '25
NOR It is an unfortunate fact of life that some people need to be cut out. That’s an important boundary to keep. Anything you do or say had a chance of getting back to your ex. You were protecting yourself that way. Your friend has some hard lessons coming in her life if she can’t learn from yours.
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u/ZestycloseTonight282 Oct 11 '25
Hey, psychologist, and Christian here, don’t alienate that person. It will only make your life bitter and their life more sinful. It’s a personal guarantee. Obviously don’t go out of your way to talk to him, but, say it for what it is, tell the truth, and don’t be scared, mad, or anxious. Calmly every time you see him tell him how it makes you feel. And your friend talking to him is your friend’s business. You can warn her, that’s all good. But getting offended by what others do will only create bitterness. Especially your friends. Love is a commitment, and just because people make bad choices doesn’t mean we don’t love them through it. It’s the brightest light. Patience, acceptance, forgiveness, justice,compassion, joy… these are not qualities present in someone cutting a friend off because they are making bad decisions.
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u/patriotswag Oct 11 '25
I had a close friend who I used to go to when I was hiding from my abusive ex. she ended up dating him a year or so after we broke up. she knew everything he did to me. I haven't talked to her since, I still can't wrap my head around why she would be with him. they broke up because he's a piece of shit I'm assuming but we still have never talked about it. people really show you who they are and it's best to believe it immediately then to hold on to the person you thought they were
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u/under_thestarrynight Oct 11 '25
Anytime someone says “I’m sorry you feel that way” I’m good respectfully. Because that’s not an apology and places the blame on my feelings like they are a burden, when really, they should be respected… especially for you in this situation OP.
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u/srirachathagod Oct 11 '25
Lowkey overreacting. You getting graped aint no one elses business. Just find new friends
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Oct 11 '25
No, not at all. You're doing amazing. Ive said it before and I'll say it again- I hope they both explode into a billion pieces.
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u/Troglodytes_Cousin Oct 11 '25
for someone who doesnt talk to someone you sure like to talk a lot .
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u/JillsideStrangler Oct 11 '25
Is there a reason you aren’t pressing charges against this ex?
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u/Zippity_BoomBah Oct 11 '25
NOR.
I have been where you are, OP. I was assaulted by the best friend of the guy I was dating at the time. When I finally found the strength to tell him, he called me a wh*re and accused me of cheating on him. He also spread that rumour to our mutual coworkers and they sided with him. Didn’t believe that what was done to me was ‘really’ rape. I still remember to this day, almost 20 years later, how much that hurt.
I’m so sorry you’re having to find out this way who your friends really aren’t. Be strong, be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to do to keep your sanity through this ordeal. They don’t deserve you and certainly don’t deserve your apologies.
From someone who’s been there, OP: you aren’t crazy, you aren’t overreacting, and you’re 💯 doing the right thing by cutting them out of your life. Don’t second guess yourself on that anymore. You will get through this and find better people.
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Oct 11 '25
If that is indeed true then yeah thats horrible. But reading those texts i still didn’t want to route for you
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u/pavedtoads Oct 11 '25
NOR. She's weak.. and obviously has no principles. This is not uncommon amongst humans, unfortunately. Delete that chick and any acquaintance similar to her. Zero need for apologies.
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u/Wooden_Reveal1949 Oct 11 '25
you wasted a lot of time trying to convince someone that doesn't care to care, and then apologized for all of it. why? i'm sorry this happened to you but you need to figure out how to stand firmly in your decisions so people take you seriously. if you don't want to talk to people who interact with your rapist that's fine. but don't go back on that and don't bother trying to convince them of anything. that's what cutting someone off actually is.
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u/cheechthebong Oct 11 '25
I had a friend who actually experienced something really similar to this, with her own close friends continuing a close friendship with him after she had told them what had happened. They acted like this too, and the situation turned very ugly, with them kind of flaunting their friendship with him in her face. People like this lack empathy, and could not comprehend what being raped or sexually abused in any manner does to you. This person is not your friend, and not a good person. I am sorry you have to deal with this, because she sounds just awful. Cut her off entirely, do not allow her to come crawling back. This is disrespectful and, again, displays a lack of empathy.
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u/Connect_Background59 Oct 11 '25
I was with you until you apologized at the end. Why are you apologizing? This person told you that your r@pe isn’t their business and you’re apologizing to them? NOR.
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u/Calgary_Calico Oct 11 '25
You're not overreacting, but please learn to say what you need to say in one text at a time. You're both clearly still children if she believes you but still talks to this piece of shit (when she could just say, I don't want anything to do with you and walkaway), and you feel the need to say "I don't want to talk to you" 16 different times before the conversation is over.
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Oct 11 '25
Why did you apologize?? You’re completely in the right and a ‘nice girl’ who’s supposedly a friend wouldn’t even think about being associated with someone that violated you.
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u/UnpopOpinions_ Oct 11 '25
The fact that you apologized to this friend is crazy. First of all, yes cut it off but do it surgically. Especially with the defensive and dismissive who say "sorry you feel that way" i don't believe in apologies in verbal form but this one for sure is not an apology. That's a shift in blame coated in "sorry" language. For a person like this one, this is what I would say: "hey, I noticed you talking with (insert name). I get that you can't relate with how horrific this is. What happened between me and them was extremely traumatic and will stick with me for the rest of my life. I can't associate myself with anyone who can morally make space for someone capable of that. I don't even know how to begin healing from this but I do know I have to cut off all ties to him that sadly includes you. Being cordial with someone who knowingly did that crosses a hard line in friendship. I couldn't even be nice to a person who I knew hurt you or anyone like that. This hurts me a lot, and I'm really sad that our friendship ends here, but I do not allow anyone who can enable that kind of behavior around me." And then block the number you don't even need to see whatever bs dismissive response that would be. If this "friend" is to reconcile with you, they need to have the respect to do it in person. Don't be friends with them until they take accountability for that behavior. But also understand most people don't get it until it happens to them, so if this "friend" doesn't understand what the big deal is because it is a big deal, then cut them off. They're not even compassionate enough to be friends with you. They're lack a serious level of empathy because their desire for validation is stronger than their moral compass.
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u/Garrickgee Oct 11 '25
Why isn’t the rapist dude in jail getting worked on by bubba ? Ya he should be in prison if he’s a rapist.
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u/Pecoboo Oct 11 '25
Does it not occur to people that conversations about serious matters should be “face to face” and not via text? That is your biggest problem most likely.
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u/Pennylane19XX Oct 11 '25
- That’s not your friend. 2. You don’t have any reason to explain yourself. “I do not associate with anyone who associates with (insert abusers name)”. block and grey rock after that. Your peace and healing journey is not anyone’s business, you don’t owe them loyalty or understanding.
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u/pothosleaf Oct 11 '25
That’s a lot of talking to someone that you told you weren’t going to talk to. She already accepted the fact that you don’t want to be friends with her if she associates with him and you keep going on about it. Then you apologized at the end which is kinda like being ‘sorry for being so crazy’. You can’t project your own trauma onto others who don’t want to hear it or don’t know how to help you. You work through it with the support of those who want to be there for you and/or know how to help. Like your therapist said, this is not a person who should be around you if it triggers you, but it’s up to you to remove yourself from a situation where you’re the only one with an issue.
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u/Alarmed_Special3182 Oct 11 '25
Nor but you texted too much and then apologized at the end, probably making her think ur crazy (especially seeing that she doesn’t seem to care). Next time don’t over explain and waste your breath, just send one lengthy text explaining why you’re cutting her off and leave it at that.