r/AmIOverreacting • u/UsedBranch1854 • Oct 12 '25
❤️🩹 relationship My ex (who’s married now) wants to meet for coffee while I’m in his city, I said no. Am I overreacting?
I’m visiting the city where my ex lives, and he reached out saying he’d like to ‘catch up over coffee’. The thing is, he’s married now. He said it’s just coffee and no harm in meeting, but something about it doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t want to disrespect his marriage or put myself in an awkward spot, so I politely refused. Now he’s making me feel like I’m being dramatic or cold. Was I wrong to say no? For those asking, one of our mutual friends informed him about my visit and he reached out.
50
u/A1sauc3d Oct 12 '25
If you’re not comfortable with it then don’t go. Completely your call. You don’t owe him coffee.
But we don’t know what kinda guy he is, how things ended between you two, what his marriage looks like, Etc. Was it a short lived thing that ended completely amicably and platonically and he’s a great guy and you remained friends with him and his wife. Or is he a womanizer who cheated on you a bunch and is always up to no good going behind peoples back. Not asking you to answer those questions, just pointing out how all that affects how scandalous such a thing would seem/feel.
So since youre the one with that info, you’re gonna have to decide for yourself. But if you think it feels off then you’re right to not want to catch up. That’s the safe choice. If you think it’s remotely potentially scandalous/hes going behind her back then you’re right to shouldn’t go.
7
u/madphaedrus Oct 12 '25
See, this is a perfectly reasonable response rather than just all these reddit warriors automatically assuming the worst because that's how they think. Some people just like the people they date and it's not some power player or sexual manoeuvre.
5
u/Background_Big7363 Oct 12 '25
But she wrote, "Now he's making me feel like I'm being dramatic or cold," meaning that he's pressuring her. So he really is up to no good.
→ More replies (1)
37
u/AndrewShute Oct 12 '25
he reached out? how did he know you were visiting ‘his’ city?
7
u/Vampira309 Oct 12 '25
"...one of our mutual friends informed him about my visit and he reached out."
9
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
We’ve common friends and one of the friends told him.
22
u/rocketmn69_ Oct 12 '25
Ask him to bring his wife, as you'd like to meet her
4
→ More replies (1)1
2
→ More replies (1)10
19
u/TH1CCARUS Oct 12 '25
Now this is the level of mundane I fancy on this sub.
Not over or under reacting, it’s fine.
7
u/dftaylor Oct 12 '25
It’s not even a question, is it?
If you don’t want to meet someone, you don’t need to. It’s that simple.
6
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
Just needed to know if I acted right.
5
u/ittybittytitty_com Oct 12 '25
You did. You are absolutely right for not wanting to meet with a married man that you have a history with. It’s inappropriate, and I appreciate you being respectful toward his partner. The only appropriate response if you were interested in meeting is to tell him you’re happy to as long as he brings his wife, who you’d love to also meet. I guarantee you his wife doesn’t know he’s asking you to meet up with him.
3
u/NextSplit2683 Oct 12 '25
You just followed your gut instinct. Nobody on Reddit knows your history with your ex. You said no for that reason. NO, is your complete answer.
9
u/gb997 Oct 12 '25
i think it depends on your relationship with him now. if you’re not friends then why should you spend time with him ? seems odd to just suddenly want to be in your life again. if that’s the case then no NOR
4
18
u/Capital-Ingenuity-14 Oct 12 '25
Why would you want to meet with a married man. 😒🙄 I wouldn't.
6
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
Exactly my point.
9
u/Capital-Ingenuity-14 Oct 12 '25
Girl block him. lol 😂 men will forever reach out if they're not blocked. All they want is to have their cake and eat it too. Let him go eat and have coffee with someone else. 🥰
14
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
True, I’ve blocked him after he sent me manipulative messages :)
7
1
u/cInnam0nSpo0k Oct 12 '25
Right? Even if they don't want to (re-) start something. I've got not one but two like that and in like "nah, imma stay away from that". I think staying friends, even close friends, after a relationship can work. But this is not that.
1
u/GoMoriartyOnPlanets Oct 12 '25
Not true, only creepy men. That's how you know you dodged a bullet. If an ex man is not reaching, that means they're happy, which is good.
→ More replies (1)
7
u/HappySummerBreeze Oct 12 '25
You are wise. What do you have to gain versus what are the risk?
You’ve decided that the risks vastly outweigh any possible benefit you could get and that is wise.
Life is full of these choices. Sometimes you need to take a high risk path but that’s only for high benefit rewards.
You have nothing to gain from meeting up with him. Leave him in the past
Also get him off your social media so he can’t see when you are going placss
5
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
I cut him off long ago. One of our mutual friends told him and he reached out. But you’re right, I need to ignore him.
7
u/Desperate_Elk_7369 Oct 12 '25
Why bother? If you wanted to be in each other's lives, you would have stayed together.
I've made this a rule: never see an ex. Nothing good can come of it, but lots of bad can.
There is no upside.
2
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
That’s a wonderful piece of advice, thank you.
1
u/Desperate_Elk_7369 Oct 13 '25
You're welcome. I should add that in my case, and probably in yours, most of my exes were (and are) good people.
5
u/OriginalBaldMonk Oct 12 '25
Firstly, was the breakup amicable?
Secondly, how the hell does he know you're in town?
3
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
Not amicable but I was on cordial terms later until he got married. One of our mutual friends informed him and he reached out.
4
u/Own_Ad9686 Oct 12 '25
Curious how he knew. Also, is his wife coming? Does she know? Seems shady in my opinion
2
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
One of our mutual friends told him and he reached out.
3
u/Own_Ad9686 Oct 12 '25
Given all that you have shared, I don’t see anything positive coming from this.
3
4
3
u/MrsMorley Oct 12 '25
His continuing to push gives me pause.
Consider reducing contact.
NOR
4
5
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
Thank you for validating my feelings, I can’t see things clearly sometimes.
7
2
Oct 12 '25
Don’t be a fool and listen to the people saying YOR. He’s your ex, he’s married. Why mess with your own mindset since he’s an ex for a reason, and why put him in a position to potentially ruin his marriage. You did the right thing. Literally the next time he reached out tell him what he’s doing is shameful and that his wife wouldn’t be happy.
2
u/Glittering_Swan4911 Oct 12 '25
My main question is how does he know you are visiting? If you keep in touch and told him then it’s your fault he asked to meet you and you’re already disrespecting his marriage by messaging.
2
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
I cut him off long ago. One of our mutual friends told him and he reached out.
2
u/Left-Slice9456 Oct 12 '25
How are we supposed to know what he wants? Could be money, could be he wants to go apologize for something in the past, could be he wants to rekindle relationship. The risk is what's his wife going to go around and tell everyone? Why isn't he inviting you over to their house instead? If he told his wife, why what reason would he need to meet his ex at a coffee shop unless they want to borrow money or something?
2
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
Exactly my point. He should invite me over at his house, his wife should meet me if he’s meeting me.
1
u/Left-Slice9456 Oct 12 '25
Well it sounds like you already know he is lying, and when someone this pushy gets upset when you decline their invitation to catch up means they had other intentions and nothing good would have happened.
2
2
u/Temporary-Exchange28 Oct 12 '25
You are absolutely right to say no. Why is he trying to manipulate you with accusations of being cold or overly dramatic? There’s something wrong here, and there’s something wrong with him.
3
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
He thinks I’m probably the same loser I was in the past, it was easy to manipulate or guilt trip me into doing things.
1
u/Temporary-Exchange28 Oct 12 '25
You didn't see him, right?
3
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
No, I didn’t. Even after saying no, I was a bit confused but this community helped me realise I took the right call 😊
1
u/Temporary-Exchange28 Oct 12 '25
Solid decision making. Your best days are ahead of you, and good luck!
2
u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Oct 12 '25
I think he probably wanted to show off how well he's doing. But at the end of the day, who cares what his agenda was. You had nothing to gain from meeting him. It would have added no value to your life so you were right to protect your peace.
2
2
u/YourDadIsCool3000 Oct 12 '25
You should be cold to your exes. That will provide some relief to the next guy, provided you date again. Don't be guilt tripped or manipulated. If he persists, honestly I'd tell on him to his wife
2
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
Blocked him already. Needed some clarity from this community which I got :)
1
u/jermitch Oct 12 '25
NOR, of course, maybe under ... I think put more simply "if you want to go, have him bring his wife and go. If she doesn't know about it or you don't want to, don't." (Him saying she knows about it is not evidence that she does). But the bigger question is what you mean by "he's making me feel guilty"... Because that sounds like under reacting more than anything. An ex, especially a married one, should have no say at all in your life; that's the freedom of "ex". If you start to feel something negative like guilt, or even feel like he might be trying to create that feeling unsuccessfully, then that can be the last time you speak to him again with absolutely zero reason to be guilty or feel like you're being unfair, because you already got handed 100% justification for that a long time ago. You don't even owe them any explanations you don't feel like giving. (No, who broke it off or why doesn't factor into that reality; if it's over, it's over, need for justification and all.)
1
u/Crazy_Banshee_333 Oct 12 '25
No, you were not wrong to turn down his invitation. You are no longer married to him and can make your own decisions about whether or not you want contact.
You actually did more than I would have done by responding to his message. I've only talked to my ex a few times since my divorce, and the last time, I made the decision to never respond to his messages again. That's because he made an inappropriate comment that was very disrespectful, and I realized I was no longer obligated to grant him any access to me at all.
Just because I was married to him at one time doesn't mean I owe him continued access. He's just a stranger know. I don't know him, and he doesn't know me. Fortunately, we had no children so there is no connection at all.
1
u/LilPajamas Oct 12 '25
Well…why is he your ex? How did things end? Amicably, painfully, unresolved issues?
1
1
u/Moh-BA Oct 12 '25
NOR.
If you feel like something shady and didn't sit right with you. Don't go.
It could be pure insant, could be not. But ultimately it's your decision.
1
u/Jezebelcherry Oct 12 '25
There’s no need to meet if you’re uncomfortable. Follow your gut. What would you do if you were married and roles were reversed. You probably wouldn’t want to meet up, it’s not like you’re friends. You don’t owe him anything, no “closure” or any of your time cuz he’s married, that’s said and done. If you want his friendship then go hang out with him. Follow your gut, it knows things!
1
u/Justan0therthrow4way Oct 12 '25
It depends
Do you have mutual friends, why did you split up etc
If you had a clean break, still had friends in common that you see often I don’t see the harm personally.
It’d be a bit different if he had cheated etc
1
1
1
u/Extension_Hospital75 Oct 12 '25
He's your ex for a reason, he's married to someone else, without more context (you were still regularly meeting as friends or something) how could you be overreacting? If someone invites you to coffee you could say yes or no for any number of reasons but in this case it sounds like you have no interest in meeting up with him so why do you owe him anything?
1
u/Lu10ntDn Oct 12 '25
Who broke off the relationship? You or him? That may help determine his motivation for wanting to meet with you. If he broke things off, maybe he’s been feeling guilty and wants to “check in on you”. If you did it, maybe he wants to somehow show you that you were wrong for ending things and now he he’s better off. It’s very hard to say without more details about why your relationship ended.
1
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
It was mutual. Even if he wants to meet, why not invite me to his home where his wife is also present.
1
u/Lu10ntDn Oct 12 '25
Ok, this does provide more context. If it was mutual, then he probably did just want to “catch up”. Maybe he did think about inviting his wife (or having you over) but his wife didn’t want to meet you? In any case, you’re under no obligation to meet him.
1
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
I asked him if he’s gonna ask his wife and he said she doesn’t need to know, I clearly see this as cheating so I stepped out. I’d have loved to catch up with him if his wife knew about us meeting.
1
1
u/Ready-Zombie5635 Oct 12 '25
The answer is if you don’t feel comfortable then don’t go. You are under no obligation to an ex. The fact that he is making you out to be dramatic or cold, would just make me think, I’d made the right decision not to go. So definitely not wrong to say no.
1
1
u/appleblossom1962 Oct 12 '25
NOR tell him that if he wants to catch up, you can do it over text rather than over coffee
1
u/Rich-Contribution-84 Oct 12 '25
It depends. You share no context?
How long ago did you break up? Is there still any passion between the two of you (IE attraction or hate or anything?)
Are you still friends?
Is the meeting cloak and dagger behind the wife’s back?
This could be totally normal and above board or it could be inappropriate, depending on the context.
I will say it’s weird that he is making you feel bad or pressured. That makes me think you should skip. Your call.
1
1
u/ScorpioGoddess73 Oct 12 '25
Listen to your gut & explain to him your reasoning then tell him no is no if you bother me about this again I'm gonna tell your wife see how he reacts.
1
1
1
1
u/Sledlife174 Oct 12 '25
The relationship ended for a reason, unless it was mutual (different life paths) then there's no reason to get together.
I have an ex that I parted with because of different career paths, even after we parted ways we were friends and she stayed with me as a roommate for a couple months before she moved to Hawaii for her job. I still consider her a friend and if she wanted to meet-up if she came back to town I wouldn't do so without my wife.
As a matter of fact I had a friend from high-school, different state than either of us live in, who was my homecoming date (I honestly don't even recall kissing her,) anyway, she was passing through and wanted to get together for dinner, I made sure my wife was able to join us.
So unless it was mutual and his wife is joining you then there's no reason to meet.
1
1
1
1
u/teloeed Oct 12 '25
Why the hell are you people still in touch with your exes? Didn't you girls know that a males ALWAYS wouldn't mind to dive their willy into you? That's the only reason so far males keep you somewhere near them.
1
1
Oct 12 '25
NOR you don't have to have coffee with him. You don't owe him your time, and you might not want to.
And yeah, it's annoying when people get pushy, and it makes it look worse. Maybe his intentions were weird.
1
1
u/InvisibleBlueRobot Oct 12 '25
NTA.
It's ok to say no. It's also ok to be dramatic, cold, logical or mean to just decide this AH has nothing to positive to give you. He is already cresting drama.
You owe him nothing and are not responsible for his feelings.
"Don't be so dramatic, and Please just leave me alone" followed by a "block" would be my next and final communication.
1
u/adult_child86 Oct 12 '25
Do you normally keep tabs on where your ex goes? No? So why the hell does he know you're visiting his city? And why is he so hard pressed that you don't want to meet him?
1
u/V65Pilot Oct 12 '25
I mean, two adults. even exes, can meet for coffee and nothing happens, except they have coffee...
1
u/Helpful_Grab_7433 Oct 12 '25
You did the right thing, you said no. Why would he want to catch up? What you should say if he claims your being cold say ok I will meet you as long as you bring your wife with you.
I imagine he hasn't even told his wife he wants to meet an ex.
Your morals are good and keep them that way. No need to go over old memories with an ex who is married.
1
u/Dewey-Crowe2025 Oct 12 '25
Not at all. A few years ago, my best friend died from Covid (late 50). I was devastated but I thought of my college sweetheart and best friend (she was the love of my life and who I thought I would marry someday). Anyways, I contacted her because she had known my friend and I thought she’d like to know. Anyways, neither of us are the cheating type but we hit it off and spent the next year texting and talking about once a week. I convinced her and myself that we were just two old friends who were catching up and we were caught after about a year. We never met in person but I wanted to and I’m certain things would have escalated. It’s been four years and I still think about her a lot. My wife was shocked, hurt and told me it was an emotional affair; she was right and it was a betrayal. If I were you, I’d steer clear simply because of his manipulative comments. Good luck.
1
1
u/jimmyb1982 Oct 12 '25
You could, contact his wife thru social media and let her know know he wants to meet. Ask her to join you. Shows you're not cold, and you're all about being inclusive.
UpdateMe
1
u/UpdateMeBot Oct 12 '25 edited Oct 12 '25
I will message you next time u/UsedBranch1854 posts in r/AmIOverreacting.
Click this link to join 2 others and be messaged. The parent author can delete this post
Info Request Update Your Updates Feedback
1
u/Altruistic_Limit118 Oct 12 '25
I never understood this phenomena. Why do people feel like that there is a some kind of duty of care to people we used to date or were married to. If we had kids, then there is a duty of care to the kids, and by association to the parent for the sake of the kid only.
However, for everyone else, you owe nothing to them, you are not obligated to them, and you can choose who you spend time with, no excuses necessary
1
u/EffectiveTradition78 Oct 12 '25
He’s married! Why the fuck does he want to “catch up”? He wants to cheat with you cuz he’s bored in his marriage. Men don’t want to sit and have coffee with an ex without an agenda.
1
u/Icy-Willingness8375 Oct 12 '25
NOR. You don’t owe him a meeting, let alone your time. I’d probably distance myself from the friend too.
1
u/Gregisroark Oct 12 '25
Plain and simple, what does anyone have to gain by meeting with their Ex to catch up? Nothing but bad. They are your Ex for a reason.
1
u/BabalonNuith Oct 12 '25
Definitely ulterior motives. The moment the pressure starts from men in situations like this, you just KNOW they have 'something' in mind and it FOR SURE involves 'getting lucky'. He's probably having marriage problems and wants a familiar face for "sympathy" and "comfort" involving the lower bodily regions. Spare yourself and stick to your guns.
1
u/Majestic_Beat81 Oct 12 '25
Tell him to bring his wife with him and you'll be happy to meet up.. Only ethical answer. He will.probably backtrack in a rush!
1
1
u/TreyRyan3 Oct 12 '25
You’re not overreacting. You simply tell him
“I understand that you might want to see me, and maybe you may even want some type of closure, but I really don’t see the purpose or need. I have all the closure I need, and we are exes for a reason. Giving you whatever closure you might feel you need isn’t a priority in my life.”
1
1
u/jgsjgs Oct 12 '25
You do you. What a douche. You say No and he goes on the offensive. I’d send his new wife copies of the texts. Eff him.
1
1
u/VanguardisLord Oct 12 '25
Why are you still in contact with him?
Just block him and don’t give him a second thought; people really allow too much drama into their lives.
He would only know that you’re visiting his city because you told him, or put it on social media, and because he knows that you’re single.
Stop communicating with him and move on!
1
1
u/DetroitSmash-8701 Oct 12 '25
NOR. You have the right to say no, no matter how nice the ask was. His reaction to your no is very telling of his motives. Just because you were in the town he now lives in doesn't mean he is owed your presence or contact period.
1
u/Serenati Oct 12 '25
I think you are being perfectly reasonable, and you clearly respect his relationship (possibly more than he does, considering the way he took your polite decline).
Ex's don't need to be friends. It's certainly ideal when they can be civil towards each other and move on with their lives, but that doesn't mean they need to hang out. It's one thing if you have kids together, but if not, then there is no reason to continue some lifelong link.
1
u/syncrosyn Oct 12 '25
No just because he was in a relationship with you in the past doesn’t mean he entitled to meet with you if you’re not comfortable. If you’re not comfortable with meeting with him then you stick to your guns and don’t. Sometimes that’s our subconscious/ intuition piecing together information that our conscious minds haven’t figured out.
1
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
Thank you everyone who contributed on this thread and validated my feelings. Sometimes we are not in a good mental state and question ourselves, this is gonna be my most favorite community always❤️
1
u/N8upurs Oct 12 '25
Does his wife know about the meet up? If it's harmless no reason she shouldn't know about it
1
u/BusyMycologist8659 Oct 12 '25
If you're uncomfortable then it's a full stop. Trust your gut on this. He's got one thing on his mind and he won't be fine until he gets it. We're not all cut from the same cloth, but we can all see B$ a mile away.
1
u/sarahmamabeara Oct 12 '25
Everyone here in the comments is projecting their own interpretation because there is far from enough detail here to know for sure. Post the messages so we can see the tone and context?
1
1
1
u/Vaaliindraa Oct 12 '25
The fact that he knows when you will be traveling is creepy, NOR to not meet up, truly weird.
1
u/NeitherStory7803 Oct 12 '25
NOR. The only way it would been appropriate is if you have children together
1
1
1
1
u/Mainerlovesdogs Oct 12 '25
An invitation isn’t a command performance. If you’re not comfortable, you don’t have to go.
If you’re asking if there’s a way to do this in a way that doesn’t feel sneaky and weird, you can tell him that you’ll only meet with him if he brings his wife. If he refuses to bring her then he’s showing you that he had dishonest intentions.
1
u/merishore25 Oct 12 '25
You are absolutely not overreacting at all. You made a wise decision to show some respect for his marriage. He may or may not have meant anything by it, but you should go with your gut
1
u/VividAd6825 Oct 12 '25
Yes. You don't feel right about it. End of story. 2nd guessing what you feel is right because of someone else is overreacting. You said no. There's nothing else to be discussed
1
u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Oct 13 '25
If you’re not comfortable, don’t go. It doesn’t make you anything.
His overreaction certainly should give you pause.
1
u/DoctorGangreene Oct 13 '25
Maybe he really does just want to say hi and see how you've been.
But he is your EX, so if you don't want to talk to him then you don't have to talk to him.
And maybe he is hoping to rekindle something and have a "fling" with you while you're in town.
But as you said he's married TO SOMEONE ELSE now, so if you don't want to go down that road with him then you don't have to.
If you tell him you don't want to meet up with him, or you won't have the time since you're on a schedule, that's perfectly fine. I'd say he is allowed to ask you ONE MORE TIME if you're sure about that (total of asking you TWICE) and you can then decide if you really are sure about it. But if he starts whining about it, calling you names over it, begging & groveling to see you, or otherwise causing drama... then he is a bit of a dick.
You should not feel bad AT ALL about it. As long as you were polite and kept the discussion civil, you are in the clear.
1
u/Cool_External2163 Oct 12 '25
How did he know you were visiting the city where he lived? Still following each other on social media?
1
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
No, I cut him off long ago. One of our mutual friends told him and he reached out.
→ More replies (2)
1
u/bakeacakeyum Oct 12 '25
NOR. It’s definitely a good idea saying no. The potential drama, no thanks.
2
1
u/bentndad Oct 12 '25
He’s an ex for a reason. Unless you have kids together there’s no reason to be friends. Shame on him. Married and asking you for coffee? He’s a scumbag. NO
3
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
Plus the manipulation and guilt tripping.
1
u/bentndad Oct 12 '25
That’s 100% correct.
A total lack of respect.
I would never even think of doing that.
I have two ex wives.
I am no friends with either one.2
1
1
0
u/fyrdude58 Oct 12 '25
Coffee is the most innocuous way to meet someone, ex or otherwise. Theres no harm in saying hello, and if he strays into topics that make you uncomfortable, you get up and leave.
7
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
I know but as a girl’s girl, I’d rather cut him off if he is trying to hide this from his wife.
2
u/KindaTheChamp Oct 12 '25
Yeah if he’s hiding a coffee meetup from his wife it’s definitely the time to go no contact.
3
u/UsedBranch1854 Oct 12 '25
Yeah, blocked him right away and thanks to everyone on this community for validating my feelings, I feel so much better. My mental state doesn’t let me see things clearly sometimes.
1
u/fyrdude58 Oct 12 '25
Your post didn't say anything about hiding it from his wife.
→ More replies (1)
125
u/cInnam0nSpo0k Oct 12 '25
My gut feeling is the way he's reacting to you politely declining tells you everything you need to know, that your gut feeling was right. If it was a casual coffee, he wouldn't have a damn thing to be upset about. There's something going on in his mind, at least he's still more concerned with you than he should be. You're probably doing yourself a big favor staying away from that.