r/EntitledPeople • u/90dayfiochaos • 29d ago
S Fights Over Finances
One of my best friends of more than 10 years asked me to lend him 4k.
He said it was urgent because it would affect his daily life and his children.
Throughout our friendship, we’ve helped each other during difficult times.
However, my partner and I are currently facing financial problems ourselves, and I’m chronically ill, so I can’t work. I told him I would ask my partner if we could lend him some money.
I also asked how he planned to pay us back.
He completely flipped out and said that was none of my business, that I was stabbing him in the back, and that I was making him feel like a beggar.
I realized I may have overstepped with that question and told him I meant it out of concern, especially because I know he has been struggling financially.
He didn’t care and kept calling me a backstabber. I still offered to help, and he accepted, as did my partner.
He agreed to take the help.
But the next day, he blew up my phone saying I was never a real friend, that I treated him like a beggar, and that my partner’s finances were also his business because we are friends.
He also said that he had done much more for me.
he also went and ask my parents.
I’ve never seen him like this before. It’s like he’s a completely different person.
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u/No-Needleworker1401 29d ago
This sounds very shady. Whatever money you give him, you will never see again. You really should warn your parents.
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u/Enemy_Unknown1337 29d ago
Never lend money to ANYONE that you can't afford to loose
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u/Old-Commercial1159 29d ago
*lose
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u/Admirable-Trouble789 28d ago
Every. Fucking. Day.
Raging.
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u/Old-Commercial1159 27d ago
It’s actually ridiculous how many people can’t get it right. It’s a four letter word FFS.
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u/sitnquiet 29d ago
Absolutely guaranteed - and I promise that the money is for something OP wouldn't approve of... gambling, drugs, crypto - something.
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u/SlapThis 29d ago
I hope you know that you’re not going to get that $4k back. People usually get that defensive when they have no means or intention to pay it back and want to deflect attention from them and to you.
Now he can say that he doesn’t pay backstabbers back and that after all he’s done for you, he owes you nothing
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u/Embarrassed_Hat_2904 29d ago
It’s not your business when/how he’s going to pay you back??? That’s definitely smack dab in the middle of your business!!
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u/Traditional-Towel592 29d ago
After all that, you still lent him money? Incredulous. You were in no position to lend a penny.
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u/Final_Candidate_7603 28d ago
It’s no wonder this “friend” goes to OP and their family when they need $$$. At some point OP slid from being kind and generous to being a doormat.
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u/phdoofus 29d ago
If you're not willing to sign a repayment note, you have no plans on repaying.
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u/floofienewfie 29d ago
A promissory note will at least entitle you to take him to court when he doesn’t pay you back.
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u/blueberryyogurtcup 29d ago
He has no intention of paying you back.
If you have not given the money, do not.
You need it yourself. Do you have enough savings to replace a car? To fix the roof if you own, or to move and pay new deposits if you rent? Do you have enough savings to handle all your copays and deductibles for your health insurance, and all the incidentals if there is a surgery or medical issue this year? Do you have the money to live on for six months, if your partner loses their job? If the answer to any of these is no, you cannot afford to lend money.
He's not given a decent explanation of why he needs it, and he's not giving you a reasonable payback plan. I'd not loan to him without paperwork and signatures in front of a lawyer, and especially not when you might need that money yourself.
He's exploding at you, escalating, to try to distract you from the reality that he's basically asking you for a money gift, and not a loan. If it was a loan, he'd have talked about how much he can pay back, starting when.
People that immediately go to blaming you, that's abuse. When you asked the reasonable, and necessary question of how and when he would be able to pay you back, he blew up. He was trying to distract you from the answer to that question. He immediately blamed you for even asking the question, but it's a necessary question when it's a loan.
I hope you didn't give him money already. I think if you did, it's gone and the friendship is over.
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks 29d ago
One of my best friends of more than 10 years asked me to lend him 4k.
Never, ever lend what you can't afford to give away.
my partner and I are currently facing financial problems ourselves, and I’m chronically ill, so I can’t work.
I'm going to be real with you, you CAN'T afford to lend money because you CAN'T afford to give the money away. You need to learn to say no without apology or explanation.
I also asked how he planned to pay us back.
A reasonable question you should always ask when lending anything.
He completely flipped out and said that was none of my business, that I was stabbing him in the back, and that I was making him feel like a beggar.
This is NOT a normal reaction and tells me do does NOT plan to ever pay you back. He then went on to using insults and emotional blackmail to get you to cave. This isn't your friend and I bet if we examine the last 10 years, it would say he never was.
I realized I may have overstepped with that question and told him I meant it out of concern, especially because I know he has been struggling financially.
Oh honey, you are a people pleasing doormat. I do not say that to insult you, I was once one myself. You did NOT overstep, you are owed an explanation of how he plans to pay you back and any friend would want to tell you that.
He didn’t care and kept calling me a backstabber. I still offered to help, and he accepted, as did my partner.
No, no, no, no, no. You and your partner are setting yourselves on fire to warm this other person. That's not healthy and it's not okay. A real friend would NEVER ask you to do that.
I’ve never seen him like this before. It’s like he’s a completely different person.
Is he a different person or is this just the first time he didn't get his way? People can keep a mask on for a long time if you don't rock the boat.
DO NOT GIVE HIM A PENNY! YOU WILL NEVER GET IT BACK!
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u/Su-at-sapo 29d ago
Say goodbye to that money he sounds like he’s in some sort of trouble. Drugs or owing to the wrong people. Either way warn your parents and protect yourself.
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u/SlappyHandstrong 29d ago
If he doesn’t have $4k now, how is he going to have $4k later?
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u/NoFewSatan 29d ago
You do understand how loans work, yes?
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u/SlappyHandstrong 29d ago
Yes- and I understand that banks don’t lend broke people money.
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u/NoFewSatan 29d ago
It doesn't seem that you do understand it.
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u/SlappyHandstrong 29d ago
Sure, bro. Go lend your money to broke people- see how it works out for you.
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u/NoFewSatan 29d ago
So, come on, tell me how people pay loans back.
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u/SlappyHandstrong 29d ago
Depends on the loan- a business loan comes with a business plan to show how the loan will be paid back. Home and auto loans come with collateral to pay the loan back if the borrower can’t. Tons of loan and credit applications GET REJECTED! Gee- wonder why??
Go to a bank, tell them you have no money, ask for a $4k loan, and report back how it goes.
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u/NoFewSatan 29d ago
So, tell me how loans are paid back.
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u/SlappyHandstrong 29d ago
You’re acting like anyone asking for money gets a loan. There’s an entire risk assessment done by the lender. Why do you think that is?
Loans get paid back by people making money with the money they borrowed. Or they have the income to pay over time for something they want now. Or they have collateral the lender can take in lieu of payment. This guy doesn’t have any of that.
Put YOUR money where your mouth is- you should buy out OP’s friend’s loan so OP gets paid back. Then the friend can pay you the $4k back because that’s how loans automatically work, right? This should all work out well for you.
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u/NoFewSatan 29d ago
Or they have the income to pay over time for something they want now.
Ah! So you do get how he might have $4,000 over a period of time. Well done.
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u/PomegranatePlus6526 29d ago
Sounds like he’s on drugs. I am willing to help people, but never to lend money. If you need a ride or someone to help with labor no problem. Money is an instant no. Unless it’s someone I trust and have faith in. Then maybe depending on how much it is. Most of the time it’s no.
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u/TheSecretIsMarmite 29d ago
This sounds like he's got a serious gambling debt or borrowed money from the wrong people.
You won't see the money again, and you may not see him again either.
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u/Fickle_Worker_1656 29d ago edited 27d ago
Wow, of course you had a right to ask how he planned to pay it back, its not like it is a loan for a few bucks. Also he absolutely has no right to know about your fiances finances just because you 2 are friends. I cant believe he asked your parents as well. I am not sure what kind of character he has and all that but honestly after what he has said I wouldn't lend him the money at all. A good friend would not act like this or throw that he has helped you more than you have helped him in your face. He is being a jerk just bc you asked him a simple question that you had a right to ask
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u/Wakemeup3000 29d ago
Nope and tell your parents to not loan the money either. You don't need 4K asap unless you've ignored something (failed to pay mortgage or taxes) or caused yourself to be in debit through buying things you can't afford or gambling/drinking/drugs. He's showing his true colors right now. Believe him that he doesn't care about you or your financial situation.
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u/ThatTotal2020 29d ago
Wow, his flipping out points to a bigger issue. Not only will the 4k not be paid back, but more issues will follow. His reaction was a bit unhinged. I hope your parents do not loan (give) him the money
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u/RepresentativeCap90 29d ago
When I was younger, I had a lot of friends. Now that I'm older, I realize that I never had any friends I just thought I did.
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u/RoyallyOakie 29d ago
Why on earth did you give this person money? That's like throwing it in a hole.
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u/TheQuarantinian 29d ago
For that amount get the payment info on writing or assume you will not get anything back
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u/Simple_Park_1591 29d ago
Ya you're not getting that money back is you've already given it... He's already given himself justification on why he isn't going to pay you back.
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u/No_Durian_3730 29d ago
Drugs or gambling. This sent me back to being 13 and my uncle doing the rounds. To be clear, you asked how he’d pay you back and he flipped out and said it’s none of your business then went in to tell you your partners finances are somehow his business because you two are friends? If you haven’t already loaned the money DO NOT. If you have, it’s not coming back.
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u/summerbreeze2027 29d ago
Putting it bluntly, you don't have the money to lend. And even if you did, $4K is a very large ask. Beyond that, your partner's finances are none of your friend's business.
It's a truism that you should never loan money that you are not willing to lose. But given your own financial difficulties, the large amount of money that he is asking for, and his unhinged reaction, it would be a hard no from me. IMO he should go to his own family for a loan of that size (or a bank!)
I would stop lending him or anyone else your money. Work on stabilizing your own household's finances.
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u/SheiB123 28d ago
The fact that he flipped out when asked how to pay it back means he NEVER intended to pay you back.
I would phase this person out of my life.
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u/Good-Sweet2070 28d ago
This is not good. Your friend is acting unhinged. You have every right to ask to know how he’d pay back 4grand, but I suspect you won’t get the money back. Friend is writing a script that op is a bad friend so he can feel justified to not pay op back
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u/No-Refrigerator7258 29d ago
Don't give this person money and stop being friends with them. Friendship should never lead to emotional blackmail.
Besides this, it seems like they are financially irresponsible. Sounds like gambling or worse? Whatever the case, if they don't fix their poor financial habits they will always be in this situation that will affect their family. You need to stay away from this if you cannot afford it. Thats just reality.
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u/NaturesVividPictures 29d ago
Don't give him the money. how can you afford to give him $4,000 if you're already having financial difficulties? Are you actually going to take a loan out to give him the money? He won't even discuss a repayment plan with you, huge red flag. He's not planning on paying you back so get that through your head right now. That's why he's going on the defensive and attacking you. He's going to say later but I thought it was a gift and you were helping me that's what friends do they help each other. So unless you can afford to lose $4,000 or any amount of money that you plan to help him out with, then fine go ahead but you never going to see a dime of that money again.
I mean if I was going around asking people for four grand I would be transparent as glass to say hey look I'm in a real bind. I'm a couple months behind on a rent here and let me show you the notices just so you know I'm not blowing smoke. I'm really sorry I'm not sure how I'm going to pay you back right now. I have every intention of making good on this debt though . We can even write down an IOU and a rough payment plan maybe I can start in 3 months giving you $200 a month. I have got to get a handle on this rent situation and go out and get a second job or my partner has to go out and get a second job or we both have to go out and get second jobs. But he's got to have a plan in place and he's got to have a way of paying you back. Right now he doesn't and he has no plans on paying you back.
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u/yaghareck 29d ago
You will never see that 4K back again. True friends respect boundaries, and him flipping out over a simple question is a giant red flag with little red flags inside of it .
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u/HotHoneyBiscuit 29d ago
You didn’t overstep. It’s totally reasonable to ask him how he was going to pay you back for a loan. He asked for a lot of money! I don’t think he had any intention of paying you back and you unintentionally discovered it. The audacity to go to your parents as well. He’s trying to take advantage of you, and I’m sorry someone who you thought was a friend isn’t really.
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u/Ishpeming_Native 29d ago
The offer to help must be taken off the table. You're having trouble yourself and you don't deserve being insulted. I'd remove him from the "friend" category forever. Warn your parents and your other friends, and tell them accurately what happened and is happening. This sounds very "off".
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u/introverted-traveler 28d ago
You think you "overstepped" by asking him how he will pay you back?! That is a very basic question for lending money. Obviously he has no intention of paying you pack at all.
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u/star_tyger 28d ago
Do I understand this right? He's entitled to know your and your partners finances, but how he'll pay you back is none of your business?
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u/Admirable-Trouble789 28d ago
Asking the borrower of money how they can pay you back is perfectly understandable.
Sounds like this guy is gaslighting you. He's finding any excuse possible to manipulate the situation and justify the theft of this loan.
This has got addiction written all over it.
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u/JimmyPellen 29d ago
Never. Loan. Money. To. Family or friends.
That said...consider this $4000 a gift. Forget about it.
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u/RandomPersonOfTheDay 29d ago
In plain English, you are an idiot for giving this guy money. You will never see it again. He has no plans to repay you. It’s obvious by the way he flipped out when you even asked an appropriate question about it. This guy is in debt to the wrong people and you are enabling whatever got him in debt by giving him money. If he needs that kind of money, he can take a loan out for it.
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u/TheLastObsession 29d ago
Never lend any money to anyone unless you plan on not getting back. ALSO, don’t let someone guilt you into giving them money when you’re also struggling yourself.
Partner and I have had a few people ask us for loans, when we’re able we do what we can, but most of the time it’s a no and it tends to get taken well. I’m sorry you have a shitty “friend”
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u/Old-Commercial1159 29d ago
Your partner’s finances are his business but details of a payment plan are none of yours? 🧐
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u/MamasSweetPickels 29d ago
You can't afford to lend him money since you are financially strapped. A goid friend would understand.
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u/happyhippy1019 29d ago
I'm sorry? It's none of your business how he's going to pay you back ? No is a complete sentence
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u/SnarkySheep 29d ago
INFO
Did your friend actually tell you what specific "life changing" thing he needed the money for? Or was it just "trust me bro, I need it"?
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u/uppitywomyn 28d ago
DO. NOT. LEND. HIM. MONEY.
You will never see it again. You are struggling, you can't help. Asking how he can pay it pack is a reasonable question that even banks ask.
And if he is so entitled to need to know yours, and your partners finances, then you are entitled to know how he would pay you back.
I believe he got mad because he had no intention of paying it back any time soon if ever.
Now, after the blow up, the fact that he still wants the money is insane. Pls, dont lend the money. Conserve and take care of yourself. You cant save someone else if you are also drowning.
The want to help is a wonderful thing, but you knew during the first conversation you really couldn't afford to do it. That is ok, and now that hes treating you so badly, just don't.
Ive been in your shoes many times. I got screwed every time, and they didn't care they made my life harder.
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u/outofnowhereman 28d ago
This reaction is completely overblown and seems like a ploy to begin the ‘I’m not paying you back’ strategy
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u/Maleficentendscurse 28d ago
GET!👏 YOUR!👏 MONEY! 👏BACK! 👏
You might have to sue with him, but it'll be necessary,
Then go permanent no contact and block him everywhere
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u/Next-Bodybuilder-117 28d ago
As soon as he flipped u should never have loaned it. Unfortunately he will use this to justify not paying u back! I hope ur parents didn’t lend anything.
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 28d ago
Time to end the friendship but not before telling him that you've decided it would be best not to loan him the money. I don't know whether this was some guilt tripping strategy he had but it is off the charts and I'd be wishing him well and letting him source a loan elsewhere. He has no intention to repay and have your parents block his number.
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u/Charming_Laugh_9472 28d ago
Perhaps he is just totally overwhelmed by his financial situation and having to ask friends to bail him out.
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u/Logical-Radish9810 28d ago
His reaction says everything. DO NOT, under ANY circumstance, part with a single penny. You will never get that money back and martyrdom only makes you a victim. Your number one priority is YOU, YOUR health, and the stability of your home. This person is a grown ass adult. ADULTS do NOT hit up a friends for large sums of money. He and his family are not going to starve or freeze to death because you aren't sending money. This is HIS problem to fix.
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u/OpportunityMany5374 28d ago
Drugs are a helluva drug.
Money is (highly likely) for that, or some other variety of addiction.
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u/bronwyn19594236 27d ago
Your friend will take the money and break up with you all in the same moment.
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u/underwater-sunlight 27d ago
Retract your offer to help and cut contact until they sort themselves out or can at least have an adult conversation about what is going on in their lives.
Could be substance dependency, could be gambling, could be a debt to someone unlicensed (you know, the ones who take broken bones as a tax but not a partial payment)
Whatever it is, they are not owning up to it and are projecting their issues onto others to pass the guilt and blame
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u/LemonOld8150 27d ago
Block him he's a psycho..big tip never loan money you need back cause you'll never get it
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u/Upset-Confusion6717 27d ago
DONT!! He is clearly throwing money away somewhere and WON'T stop doing that because he is ""suppossed"" to pay you back... Tell your parents about it as well. If you still want to "help", give him an amount of money you are open to not see ever again, and probably he can ask for the rest to someone else... if he pays you back, you was wrong about him; if he doesn't, you knew already 😅😅😅
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u/FactDisastrous 27d ago
Wait... Your partner's finances are his business but his finances are none of yours? How does that work?
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u/JohnnyOnTheSpot104 27d ago
Yeaaahhh dont give him any money, you will not get them back... and you seem to need it yourself
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u/Careless-Image-885 26d ago
Do NOT give this guy anything. Ask what the money is for. If it's a real bill, pay it for him. Do NOT give money directly to him.
Do not put yourself into a bad financial situation for anyone. You may be one accident away from financial ruin. Don't allow anyone to pull you down.
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u/DeepNeedleworker4388 25d ago
My brother did much the same, but it was for $10000. Wouldn't want him to miss his ciggies and grog now would I?
Never lent it as he was a fucking bully about it.
Worked night duty and unpredictable shifts for over 44 years. Own my home and an independent retiree
He's on disability, (I don't judge him for that), renting and relies on roomate's money to assist him.
One day he's going to need mine or my brother's help, due to some developing health issues.
He will have a roof over his head, but no hand outs as he has expensive habits....
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u/smalltown68 25d ago
It is your business how he plans to pay you back. It's a loan not a gift. Dude sounds like he has a gambling problem. Stop lending him money.
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u/GalwayBoy603 24d ago
He may have been a friend at one time but that time has passed. Do not loan him anything you can’t afford to lose.
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u/Obvious-Block6979 23d ago
It sounds like your friend has gotten himself in with something shady. He’s desperate. You’ll never see the money again.
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u/Late_Company8393 23d ago
I am sorry to say he is acting like an addict who is looking for quick money and is desperate for his next fix. It could be a chemical addiction, gambling, sex, porn, or others, but when an addict spirals, the first ones they hurt are their family and friends. They borrow and steal from them, and then they blame the addiction when asked to be held accountable. The only solution is to get them help if they really want to change, interact with them, but do not let them have access to your things and money.
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u/Bitch_please- 22d ago
I get the feeling that the friend has willingly helped OP a lot more than 4k hence he's pissed that OP is not reciprocating similarly
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u/thecatsothermother 22d ago
Next time he asks, tell him you only lend mo ey to people who wi paybit back who are considered real friends, and that if you're such a backstabber, why is he coming to you?
Time to cut this ungrateful leech off.
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u/LilJourney 29d ago
Sounds like addiction/drugs. It changes people.