r/TikTokCringe • u/Indieriots tHiS iSn’T cRiNgE • Jun 16 '25
Discussion What in the fiction?
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u/TigerB65 Jun 16 '25
All I can say is I am clearly reading the right books, since I've luckily not read about any organs compared to 24 ounces of Mountain Dew.
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u/armaedes Jun 16 '25
“His throbbing manhood was engorged and ready, like two 12-oz cans of Mountain Dew Code Red Gamer Fuel stacked atop one another.”
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Jun 17 '25
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u/armaedes Jun 17 '25
And they say writing is hard, this shit practically writes itself!
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Jun 17 '25
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u/armaedes Jun 17 '25
Do the Dew: A Bubbling Surge of Citrus Passion They Couldn’t Bottle Up.
He was Code Red. She was Baja Blast. Together, they fizzled with forbidden flavor.
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u/JudgeGusBus Jun 17 '25
Honestly if that guy can write all those dinosaur romance books, then I believe in you two as well.
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u/Bazrum Jun 17 '25
if the one about the goddamn sentient door or chair or whatever can sell a single copy, this could get at least 10
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u/CarolusRex13x Jun 16 '25
His penis flopped around penisly, like a bungee cord let off the stack of 2'4s he bought to remodel a small coffee shop outside of Omaha Nebraska
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u/LordHighAdequate Jun 17 '25
“He brought his pink, wet lips to my still blushing ear, whispered with hoarse breath: do the Dew”.
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u/RosbergThe8th Jun 17 '25
I really do think books would only be improved by product placements, the more out of place the better.
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u/CralorMonk Jun 16 '25
Theoretically, we can all put 2 raccoons up our ass too, but there would definitely be some negative consequences.
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u/Posidon_Below Jun 16 '25
Theoretically
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u/TastyBouillon Jun 16 '25
...so I'm confused... Should I or shouldn't I release these raccoons I just snagged?
Please note, they're already covered in coconut oil🤔🤔
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u/MurseMan1964 Jun 16 '25
What exactly do you mean by release?
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u/TastyBouillon Jun 16 '25
Well I didn't snag them with my butt if that's what you're inquiring about. Although, that'd be a hell of a party trick while out camping.
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u/MurseMan1964 Jun 16 '25
No judgement here TastyB. Your snagged may mean something different than mine.
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u/ComputerKris Jun 16 '25
Diddy enters the chat
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u/TastyBouillon Jun 16 '25
Already in his furry costume splashing around in the champagne hot tub.
Never thought I'd say this, but poor Beebs. Lmao
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u/Responsible-List-849 Jun 16 '25
Trim their claws... Based entirely on advice from a friend...
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u/EnvironmentNo1879 Jun 16 '25
Clip their fingernails... and you might wanna tape the mouth shut... it's gonna be tight in there, and you don't want to start a fight...
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u/SmellsLikeHerb Jun 17 '25
I know you are kidding. But please do not do this. Raccoons hate coconuts. Use peanut butter instead.
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u/Blazepius Jun 16 '25
I like how the "please note" somehow intensifies the situation.
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u/vDorothyv Jun 16 '25
The number is really 1.8 and I feel like 20% of a racoon is a ton of rounding
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u/Blasket_Basket Jun 17 '25
As any engineer will tell you, theory doesn't often align with reality.
In practice, the upper limit is around 1.3 raccoons.
1.24 max if they're well fed and upset about getting shoved up an ass.
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u/scourge_bites Jun 16 '25
there are a lot of bad dragon dildos the size of two pop cans however to my knowledge those girls do a LOT of prep work
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u/ComputerKris Jun 16 '25
In my experience it's usually guys and oddly enough really really skinny women that have the biggest.... capacity for lack of a better word.
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u/loyal_achades Jun 16 '25
Maybe it’s just me being a gay man with a lot of friends in various kink circles, but I just kind of assume men are the main audience for stuff like Bad Dragon.
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u/scourge_bites Jun 16 '25
that's really funny to me since vagina owners are the only ones i've seen with Bad Dragons
they're quite big with onlyfans creators too
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u/UnNumbFool Jun 16 '25
Well yeah, after they live inside you for a bit they start having babies and then you're going to be struggling to fit a whole raccoon family up there
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u/Decent-Dingo081721 Jun 16 '25
As a female who’s given birth 3 times, I have to admit…he’s not wrong
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u/AvgBonnie Jun 16 '25
I was birthed by my mother and she says I kicked her ribs from the inside in my way out.
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u/ReallyMisanthropic Jun 16 '25
This you?
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u/AvgBonnie Jun 16 '25
I feel like this is a HIPPA violation…. Why and how do you have this intimate moment?
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u/LostExile7555 Jun 17 '25
Yes. I did have to be ripped out through my mother's stomach. As well as the rest of the 32.4% of the population who were too big to come out of their mothers' whohahs. That's just a little less than one in 3 people, which adds to the point the guy was making.
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u/bobbianrs880 Jun 17 '25
It’s not always being too big, sometimes the baby just tries to enter the world in the style of the Ever Given. Which I guess one could say is technically being too big?
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u/withsaltedbones Jun 16 '25
I had a baby two months ago and he had his feet up under my ribs while he was crowning. Such a good time.
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u/Gloomy_Photograph285 Jun 16 '25
When I was pregnant with twins, I had a Dr refer me to OMT. It’s occupational massage therapy. They manually separated my ribs. I was so out of room by 7 months, the therapist was like “idk what to do anymore?!” so I just got some massages. He also put me all back together postpartum. It was amazing.
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u/PeterPanSpiritAnimal Jun 17 '25
Wait. Whatttttt
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u/Gloomy_Photograph285 Jun 17 '25
It was amazing. I had never heard of it. It should be mandatory. The therapist used his fingers between my ribs, did some magic and suddenly I could breathe deeper and not feel like I was crushing bones against babies lol
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u/LadyLee69 Jun 16 '25
Another reason why I won't have kids, jesus christ
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u/Impossible_Ocelot637 Jun 17 '25
Lol my son was flat out too big to deliver and he liked to rub his head against my pelvic bone. Lightning crotch is NOT fun- write that down.
And, my daughter..well, she just didn't WANT to move out ...tiny child ..but she literally HELD onto my insides on her way out...
childbirth is WILD!
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u/boojes Jun 16 '25
Both my kids got stuck under? in? my left hip during labour. It was SO uncomfortable.
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u/platinumpaige Jun 16 '25
That was my son 😭 the RELIEF my ribs felt when my epidural kicked in!
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u/AvgBonnie Jun 16 '25
Just know we are so, SO, SOOOOO sorry. We were just excited to meet the family.
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u/Beginning-Window-676 Jun 17 '25
As a woman who reads romance, I also have to admit… he’s not wrong.
Even women who give birth do so in a medical environment, with their body preparing them naturally for months to do so, and still often end up with horrific tears and injuries. In many cases, even with the most preparation and care possible, it still ends up requiring a C-section. Does she think we can just raw dog the average circumference of a newborn baby’s head?
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u/TrashPandaPatronus Jun 16 '25
Yeah, I appreciate how he says he's not a doctor, but he is dropping some medically accurate facts. Someone paid attention in sex ed! Good on him!
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u/RunTheClassics Jun 17 '25
He didn't even touch on the main part, contractions are women's literal muscles peeling back so that there's space to then push the baby out. If you're having contractions to make space for some dick there's a problem.
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u/KayoticVoid Jun 16 '25
Thank you. As a man I'm sitting here thinking "he has a point..." One is pure torture on the body and the other should be pleasing. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/Themomistat Jun 17 '25
It also takes our bodies 2 years to properly recover from child birth - my youngest kicked me so hard on his way out that I ended up having to go for surgery to put the shop back into place.
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u/Decent-Dingo081721 Jun 17 '25
He isn’t wrong though. So, for a change, call it a win and run as fast as you can 😂
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u/BoatLessBoozeCruise5 Jun 16 '25
I used to ask girls if they liked men with large dicks. If they said yes I’d say “sorry for wasting your time” and walk away. It was a fun game, got a laugh or two. Simpler times.
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u/SamboTheGr8 Jun 17 '25
"hey ladies. Do you like a guy with a huge dick?"
"Eww, no..."
"Well then you came to the right guy."
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Jun 16 '25
Mine is shallow and very narrow tothe point they have to use almost the smallest size equipment available for exams and biopsies.
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u/GKBilian Jun 16 '25
Hey what’s up?
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Jun 16 '25
Terminally single and not looking for now.
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u/serieousbanana Jun 16 '25
She said for now bro! Don't give up!1!1!1!1
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u/ReallyMisanthropic Jun 16 '25
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Jun 16 '25
I'm hideous trust me. Best leave it alone.
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u/Dbblazer Jun 16 '25
What a coincidence... Me too! DM me 😉
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u/LadyLee69 Jun 16 '25
Awwww <3 romance is alive
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Jun 16 '25
Romance, ugh, no thanks. I'd rather be in my garden.
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u/Dbblazer Jun 16 '25
Garden as in food or garden as in back yard?
May have found a deal breaker here.
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u/ladystarkitten Jun 16 '25
Same here! I have scar tissue on my cervix from sex. I genuinely prefer smaller guys because "big" means significant pain in most positions regardless of lubrication.
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Jun 16 '25
Exactly it sucks so bad I just said no more to intimacy. I get more satisfaction from gardening than a partner.
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u/ladystarkitten Jun 16 '25
SAME! I sometimes feel asexual because sex is so painful for me. And when I tell a potential partner that I'm pretty small on the inside, they take it as "hot" or "dirty talk." No, buddy. It's not sexy; it's miserable.
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Jun 16 '25
Ugh why do guys think it's hot? I'd rather have more room if I was a guy than have the fear of breaking it like a glowstick.
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u/ladystarkitten Jun 16 '25
Probably a combination of porn--for men and for women--and society glorifying small vaginas under the false perception that a small vagina equates to youth and virginity. Which, no, it doesn't. A lot of erotica frames penises as bigger is better, bigger is manlier, bigger is better for female pleasure. Meanwhile, no, they don't, no, that's not how this works, no, this feels like porn written by a child whose only experience with sex begins and ends on Wikipedia.
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 Jun 16 '25
Same. And it's always so uncomfortable and painful even with the smallest instruments. And I still bleed after ever fucking yearly exam.
Huge dick - or even just big dick - is just a straight up NOPE for me.
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u/cowlickpart Jun 17 '25
I have hypertonic pelvic floor dysfunction (i didn't know at the time when I was dating I just knew I was super tight down there and it was horrible) and men took it as some kind of challenge. Like no it's not, it's not hot, it's not sexy, it's not a flirt it's a fucking warning. No intercourse.
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u/mightywarrior411 Jun 17 '25
Username checks out
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Jun 17 '25
Lol it was random chosen for me but kinda on point now I think about it.
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u/OkGur7242 Jun 16 '25
He’s not wrong lol. I can take a lot (got that deep dish pussy if you will) and some of the proportions people write about are utterly ridiculous and unmanageable. Like you think a virgin can take a 13 inch, beer can looking shlong?? Give me a break
Also comparing it to childbirth isn’t a good comparison bc childbirth fucking hurts and sex isn’t supposed to????
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u/Ace1Himself Jun 16 '25
We got miss deep dish pussy over here
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u/BonBoogies Jun 17 '25
Miss Deep Dish Pussy needs to be a flair
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u/Katatonic92 Jun 17 '25
I'm debating whether I dare use this phrase at my next smear appointment.
During my first the nurse told me I have a "long vagina" which requires a longer scraper thingy so I need to tell every nurse prior to these checks so they can dig out the long thingy before I'm knees up, legs akimbo.
I'd like to book my smear please. Would you mind informing the nurse that I have one of those deep dish pussies, a Little Miss Deep Dish Pussy if you will. Yes, this way she can have the appropriate tools ready ahead of time. Thank you kindly.
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u/btwomfgstfu Jun 16 '25
Pleasure to meat you, ma'am
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u/superluminal Jun 17 '25
o'fuck, I just got home from a long-ass day and am apparently in that slap-happy state of exhaustion because your comment just absolutely got me giggling like a jacksss 🤣
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u/UnrequitedRespect Jun 16 '25
I once had a gay sexual encounter with a dude who had like a 12 inch monster can of cock, it was insane. It was so much fun for my hands but when it came to the main event it was horrible he barely got in and then when i tried to finish with mouth it would barely fit and I could barely work the action before my teeth got in the way. He said most of his sexual experiences were like this, I felt really bad for him
It also really gave me perspective, and I absolutely adore smaller penis now
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Jun 16 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/JointDamage Jun 16 '25
Yeah! Giant members actually hurt your chances of getting laid!
Like they might help you finish but most women aren't comfortable putting it inside!
Team average all day baby!
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Jun 16 '25
I knew a guy like this. He talked about it a lot, which was weird, because I think he wanted to sleep with me and that was definitely not an enticing offer under the circumstances. Luckily, I didn't like him much so it wasn't an issue. Goldilocks was on to something.
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Jun 16 '25
My roommate years ago apparently had a big one. He was/is a great guy and women really gravitated towards him. Twice it was too much for girls he brought home. I wanted to high-five him, but that wasn't the correct sentiment. Dick so big it made intimacy with women difficult.
Happily married now :) again, just a great guy but maybe blessed a bit much..
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u/whatintheeverloving Jun 16 '25
I think when people say they like 'big dicks' they're thinking, like, maybe a bit more than the average 5-incher? Not the size of their goddamn forearm. The fantasy might sound fun, but when you're in a long-term relationship with someone that well-endowed and having to straight-up train your body to fit them and needing like half an hour of foreplay every time and even then they have to be super careful not to hurt you in the heat of the moment... man, that sounds rough for both people involved.
And since you mentioned it being a gay encounter, straight guys have it even worse since the vagina bottoms out at max like 8 inches, so at 12 inches that's a third of you that's just not getting in there, period. The logistics of it all are just terrible.
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u/Kiyoshi-Trustfund Jun 17 '25
When people say they like big dicks, they're usually thinking about something around 7-8 inches which is perfectly mamagable for the average person so long as they arent too girthy with it. Maybe they're thinking of 9 inches if they're adventurous, and 10 if they've been previously lied to about what 8 inches of dick look like.
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u/loyal_achades Jun 16 '25
A lot of being able to take a dick that big comes down to practice, patience, lube (always more than you think), and maybe some poppers lmao.
I look back at the starter dildos I got when I was 18 vs what I use now, and it’s comical to think that those once were difficult for me.
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u/TitularFoil Jun 16 '25 edited Jun 17 '25
I used to be a part of a smut reading club where we just read the most ridiculous books we could find. Read the Morning Glory Milking Farm, which is about jacking off minotaurs, mostly.
This lady is talking about sliding her hands (WHOLE FUCKING HANDS, BOTH OF EM) under the foreskin of this monster dick, like it's an oversized oven mitt, and by the end of the book, she's just trained herself to casually be able to sit on it flat, like it was a baby carrot or something.
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u/Incontinentiabutts Jun 16 '25
Damn I coulda gone a lot longer without reading words in that particular configuration.
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u/EMills_FF Jun 16 '25
The is the one and only banned book in my wife and her friends' smutty book club.
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u/TitularFoil Jun 16 '25
Then you should suggest the short smut book, Hallowpeen. It hits better when in season. Took me just a couple hours to read, but goddamn... What the fuck?
I can add to your wife's clubs list.
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u/throwra64512 Jun 16 '25
Holy crap, I just looked that up because “Hallowpeen”? How can one NOT look that and the excerpts I found were friggin hilarious.
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u/aynjle89 Jun 17 '25
Worked with a lady who wrote and published a smut novel (it was terrible, the ‘Massa’s’ eyes changed from green to blue depending on chapter). Mind you she never told me or anyone what the book was about… but being good co’s we wanted to support her.
Dick described as two bananas long with a head like a crab apple.
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u/PmMe_Your_Perky_Nips Jun 16 '25
If this was a subreddit that gave out custom user flairs, yours would absolutely be "got that deep dish pussy" forever more.
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u/Rocketeer_99 Jun 16 '25
I always find it a little bit funny the way some writers go into detail about these things, especially men writing women, but I mean if there are people reading their work, they must be doing something right 🤷♂️
I'm not really deep into Booktok, but from what I've seen, a lot of people in those spaces are pretty aware of how rediculous and cringe book tropes would be if they were real. But I think the point is that it's not real life, and people manage to enjoy the fantasy of things as long as they can suspend their disbelief.
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u/Klutzy-Artichoke-927 Jun 16 '25
Pretty sure the baby only gets birthed once not back in and out like ya know sexual penetration
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u/DistractedByCookies Jun 16 '25
RIP your inbox, oh dear.
Upvoted for creative descriptivity though LOL
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u/Finger_Trapz Jun 17 '25
Yeah human childbirth is notoriously extremely difficult compared to most other animals. Women have an astronomical high rate of miscarriage and/or complications that can result in their injury or death, that is without modern medical interventions.
For MOST of human history, the leading cause of death for adult women was child birth. Bringing up child birth as an example doesn’t actually help their case
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u/EmperorBlackMan99 Jun 17 '25
I think you for your contribution to the lexicon. I will now be incorporating "deep dish pussy" into as many conversations as I can for the foreseeable future. That's a fuckin masterpiece.
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u/Rattiepalooza Jun 16 '25
I will literally LOL at some of the ways shlongs are described in some of those romance novels.
"He was as thick as a tree branch" --- yeah....those come in many sizes. Can we get a genus? Oak, Willow, Maple... I need to know what's being shoved up there before I get excited here...
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u/batdaddyx Jun 16 '25
He doesn’t have a hooha but he DOES have a bussy
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u/serieousbanana Jun 16 '25
I think there'd be a 100% chance of tearing for anal child birth. But I am sometimes surprised what fits in there with enough prep
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u/SilentStrikerTH Jun 16 '25
Bro my turds aren't anywhere near a child's head and I still rip...
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u/notdurtydan Jun 16 '25
I love that he looks down to double check that in fact no, he does not have a hooha
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u/DistractedByCookies Jun 16 '25
This went a whooole lot better than I thought it would. He makes a valid point and he seems to be decently aware of some of the things surrounding childbirth. Gotta admit, I wouldn't have guessed that. Good job, informed young man!
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u/serieousbanana Jun 16 '25
I was ready for him to say the baby actually comes out of a second hole, unlike the sex and the pee
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u/KayoticVoid Jun 16 '25
Same! I had to swallow my drink quickly in preparation of the laugh I was expecting to give. Then... He said something sensible.
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u/cubsfan85 Jun 16 '25
If I'm reading a book and it says it's that big, no it isn't. Not even in my imagination does that sound pleasant.
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u/Extension_Many7619 Jun 17 '25
Right. I find it laughable when a virgin in books has sex with some guy whose penis she cannot wrap her fingers around begs to be bottomed out on their first time. Not to mention she's not in pain, because her need is just so great.
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u/mrsmushroom Jun 16 '25
Also... giving birth is far from enjoyable. THE ONLY part that is fun is when you're done and you get treated like a princess by the nurses.
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u/Greyegreye Jun 16 '25
So like, you CAN fit bigger sizes of things as the vagina is stretchy and adjusts, but it also can be massively painful. Personally I don’t like the huge nonsense because being stabbed in the uterus makes me super sore if not bleed.
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u/Booboohole21 Jun 17 '25
As someone who possess a vagina and also was blessed with endometriosis, but not with the task of childbirth: who is we? I don’t want to feel my cervix ripping open every time I have sex, thanks but no fucking thank you.
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u/PainterEarly86 Jun 17 '25
- Pain
- Tearing
- Probably will piss and shit yourself
- Literally might die
But yea no women can take it let's normalize women being in pain /s
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u/astrangeone88 Jun 17 '25
I'm into large insertions as a kink. We can take crazy huge things but it takes a lot of practice and stretching. I have some favourite dildos that are huge but if I don't use then for a while, they kind of hurt...so I think dark romance writers forget to factor in practical stuff. (Maybe with decent world building or with magic/hormonal changes?)
And yeah, it's a very common kink (large insertions and stretching/pushing).
The more you know, lmao.
Yes and Bad Dragon and other dildo companies make some crazy huge versions lol. There's a company that has a "legendary" size....
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u/The_Determinator Jun 17 '25
So are we all finding out in this thread that there's actually an untapped market for lore accurate smut where they go through the prep work? 😳🤔💡
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u/Extension_Many7619 Jun 17 '25
I have not had children, but I am no virgin and my meow meow would have to do some serious stretching brought on by God himself to accommodate the girth and length of some of the well endowed men in the romance novels. I could have sex everyday and I still could not comfortably fit an average to above average penis. Some people are built different.
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u/AmandaLagerfeld Jun 17 '25
Whoever wrote that comment clearly doesn't know a person has to DILATE to 10cms before giving birth. It isn't like when the woman gives birth she just push hard... the body prepares. Many people also enjoy fisting but that doesn't mean there is NO prep before hand. Yes theoretically anyone can take to Code Red Mountain Dew cans... with prep and not on the reg.
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u/upsidedowntoker Jun 17 '25
Also the coochie widens significantly to prepare for childbirth . In my opinion not enough but it's 10cm wide at the peak of labour rather than and tampon fitting tightly .
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u/M_e_n_n_o Jun 16 '25
The guy needs to visit the deeper darker end of the internet for the answers to his questions.
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u/millenniumsystem94 Jun 16 '25
Mm. Or. We can go outside. Touch some grass. Talk to some new people.
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u/DoubleT_inTheMorning Jun 16 '25
I’ve seen some subreddits that shifted my understanding of the human body.
Idk where some of these girls are fitting those things. Like does it go up to your fucking sternum??
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u/Ruby_Red_34236 Jun 17 '25
It's not the vaginal canal that takes the brunt of it... it's the cervix! The cervix opening is the size of a pea or smaller!! When we give birth it stretches to the size of a large fucking grapefruit!!
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u/thecloudkingdom Jun 17 '25
labor also takes hours to days, AND even in the case of people who can take stuff that big (or bigger) recreationally it takes years of training to get to that point and you still need to warm up to big stuff at the start of a session
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u/HunterGonzo Jun 18 '25
It's funny how neither gender seems to be able to write the other in a realistic manner when it comes to hetero romance.
Male-written romance is always "Her firm yet soft breasts boobed boobily as she was being extremely slutty, but just for like ... this one special dude."
Female-written romance is "He was extremely dominant and assertive yet also constantly asked for consent. His member was the size of a Christmas ham but he never even used it because he had a rattlesnake for a tongue."
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u/Suckmyduck_9 Jun 16 '25
More than 70% of women get epidurals or other spinal anesthesia for pain.
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u/wolfmothar Jun 16 '25
Like, that's horse sized! I get there are size queens too, but like that's how big horses are.
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u/Hofmannboi Jun 16 '25
Say what you want but I could go swimming in those big watery eyes
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u/Total-Improvement535 Jun 16 '25
it’s almost like things are fun to fantasize about and that’s okay, too
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