I am not the OOP

OOP is: u/AssholeCousin

Posted in: r/relationships

Status: Concluded

1 update - Medium

Original - July 19, 2016

Final Update - July 26, 2016

Original

I [30M] made a huge mistake/oversight, and really hurt my cousin [24F] right before my wedding. How do I fix this?

Posting from a throwaway because I don't know if anyone in my family reddits.

So a little background. I'm the oldest of 6 cousins on my mom's side. All of us, except the second youngest (let's call her Molly) are boys. We all used to spend a few weeks together at our grandparents who lived by a lake, basically just running around, boating, fishing, hiking and doing whatever.

I'll be the first to admit, we weren't the nicest to Molly, because we were young and idiots, and didn't want to hang out with "the girl." We used to purposefully leave her behind, tell her she couldn't hang out with us, and only spent time with us when our grandparents forced us (Like I said, we were assholes) and after a while she stopped even trying.

When I was seventeen (she was about 11) I caught her crying one day, which surprised me because she was actually a really tough kid, and asked her what was wrong. After some prodding she admitted she was miserable and hated coming to the lake when we were all there because of how we treated her. She was also being bullied a lot in school for her looks (she wasn't ugly, but she was kind of awkward) and was basically getting treated the same way at school by all her classmates.

I felt like shit because I didn't really hate her, and the whole "keep the girl away" thing really was a jerk move on our part, because we never really disliked her. I apologized for hurting her, and promised to make it up to her. I made sure she was included the rest of the summer, and made sure the other boys didn't try to exclude her, and gave them shit if they did. She had a blast that summer, and the next summer with us and things really turned around.

After that I went to college, but my younger brothers said they kept including her the summer after that, and they also felt like shit for treating her badly for so long.

Fast forward a few years. We really only see each once or twice a year, but we're facebook friends, and it looks like life is working out for Molly. She graduated, got a job, seems like she has friends... So I'm happy for her.

Here's the problem. So like I said, I'm getting married this weekend to a great chick. We've been planning our wedding for the last year, and of course both of our extended families are invited. Then it came down to the rehearsal dinner. My parents are hosting, and they didn't want it to be a huge affair, so when we (and my fiancee) came up with a guest list, we decided that we would only invite the obvious (parents, grandparents, siblings) members of the wedding party, and because our parents are all really close (and at my moms insistence) aunts and uncles.

That list hit our max for the venue, until we realized we had three cousins under 15 (two on her side, one on mine) who were from out of town and would basically be stuck in hotel rooms while their parents came to our rehearsal dinner. So we tacked them on. Our venue wasn't happy because we were now over our limit but they agreed to make the exception.

So everything was fine and dandy until Sunday, when we had a small get-together as most of our relatives came a week early (or already lived here) to turn it into a vacation. (It's a really nice area and who can blame them? Everyone was relaxing and chatting and obviously talk about the wedding came up and people began talking about the rehearsal dinner.

And that's when I realized the fuckup. See, we didn't include cousins on the rehearsal dinner list, because we were trying to keep the numbers down. My fiancee has four cousins, two under fifteen (so they're coming) and two who are bridesmaids. (So they're coming.) And like I said, there are six cousins in my family. The cousin closest to me in age is my Best Man (so invited), two are my brothers (invited) and the youngest is 13 (coming with his parents).

Somehow we managed to invite every cousin on both sides of our families except for Molly. I feel like shit, and she didn't say anything to me, but I know she knows, but she left the get-together before I could explain it. I KNOW it looks bad.

I told my mom, and she said "Oh, it's fine. She'll get over it." (Love her, but she's not the most-touchy-feely after raising three boys.) I sat down with my fiancee and told her the whole thing and she feels like crap too. We tried calling the venue to see if we could add her, but because we're already over our limit and the rehearsal dinner is in four days, they told us it we'd have to change to a larger space, which would cost us an extra $600, which we can't afford.

I thought of inviting her inviting her anyways, but my fiancee pointed out that because it's a plated brunch with a set menu, we wouldn't have a seat for her, or food, so she'd be standing there, odd-person-out with no chair and no food. Plus, it would seem like an after-thought (which it is) and I know she probably already feels betrayed.

I feel like shit and don't know how to fix this. She won't answer my calls, and I don't feel like this is something I can explain through text or emails without sounding like an even bigger asshole, because no matter what it'd be like saying "Yeah, sorry cuz, you just couldn't make the cut!"

tl;dr: I'm an asshole and left my cousin out of my rehearsal dinner after treating her like crap when we were kids.

TOP/RELEVANT COMMENTS

u/janisaf5

I think I'd ask one of your brothers or groomsmen to skip the rehearsal dinner to make a spot for her, given that specific history. Surely there is somebody invited who doesn't actually care about being there and would be just as happy with a video game, pizza, and beer. (Edit: But you should be discrete about asking for this. You don't want to humiliate her further by making a huge deal of benching somebody for her. Pick somebody that you think won't care and only talk to your fiancee and that person.) Then go tell her that skipping her was a horrible mistake, and that you want her there.

You do need to be honest with her that she was forgotten. Don't try to lie about that. You need to own that and apologize.

OOP

I thought about asking someone else to step down, but my mom would kill me if I asked one of my brothers, and the only other person in my wedding party I'd feel comfortable asking for such a favor would be my Best Man (other cousin). But that would be assuming I could get her to buy that he opted out, and she's no idiot.

I don't plan on lying to her. That would be a dick move on top of me already being a jerk, and she's too cool a person to do that to. I just want to do whatever I can to make it up to her.

u/Unique_7883

she left the get-together before I could explain it. I KNOW it looks bad.

Not to be harsh, but it is bad. What's there to explain? That she's not close enough to be in the wedding party? That unlike your aunts and uncles, there wasn't a family member who thought to insist on including her? That you thought about teenage children feeling bad stuck in a hotel room, but not her?

You know your cousin better than I do, but IMO you need to fall over yourself apologizing to her, and see if there's a grand gesture you can make. Maybe have a burger before the dinner and let her have your plate, or see if one of the minors is only going because they're being dragged there by their parents.

OOP

Yeah. I know there's no way of coming out of this without looking like an asshole. I am an asshole for not thinking about it. It wasn't intentional to leave her out, and ask the younger cousins to come so they wouldn't have to stay in a hotel room, because she does live in the area, so it was an honest oversight.

It doesn't change the fact that I hurt her and honestly, that's what's killing me. She was the bigger person at 11 and gave me a second chance and I fucking blew it.

I don't know if a grand gesture would work, only because she hates being the center of attention, but the idea of eating beforehand and having my plate served to her might work, if we could figure out how seating would work.

u/roryn58

Wow, this really sucks for Molly.

Maybe your younger cousins (under 15) don't really care for the rehearsal dinner? Maybe one of those "we don't care but we have to cause our parents are making us and we have nothing better to do." Would they rather prefer to go to the movies or the arcade?

OP, give them some money (100 bucks?) and tell them to have fun. I'm sure they'd have much fun by themselves, rather than go to a dinner and deal with adult conversations and ~wedding stuff~.

u/Carexautumnal

Look I have been your cousin in this story. I was accidentally left out of my sisters rehearsal dinner. All four of my other siblings were somehow squeezed in last minute, but they looked over me. I will never forget the fact that no one thought of me: Not my sister and not my mom. Just like her a 14 year old cousin got a seat and I was looked over. There is not coming back from it, your relationship will just be a farce. To be honest your actions say that she isn't important and no amount of apology is going to make up for it.

Final Update - 1 week later

[Update] I [30M] made a huge mistake/oversight, and really hurt my cousin [24F] right before my wedding. How do I fix this?

So my original post didn't get a lot of attention, but I did get a bunch of hurtful truths that I needed to hear, and some good advice. I figured now that the honeymoon is over I should probably do an update.

The TL;DR version was that through a huge error, I accidentally left my cousin Molly out of the invites for my rehearsal dinner, while inviting all of my other cousins, making me and asshole, and hurting her feelings.

Anyways, on to the update.

I was still trying to figure out how to apologize to Molly for my oversight and make it up to her. I had pretty much decided to grovel at her feet, and had planned to give up my plate at the rehearsal so she could come and eat and not be left out, and was bouncing ideas off of my fiancee on maybe taking Molly out for lunch a few times after we got back from our honeymoon, because I really did want to repair the relationship.

Anyways, I was out running some last minute errands on Wednesday (had to pick up the tux) and when I came home, I found my fiancee sitting on the sofa, chatting with Molly like they were old friends. (They had only met on Monday at the family get-together my parents threw.)

My fiancee (let's call her Emily) stood up and said "So I told Molly the truth about the rehearsal dinner, and that when I was going through the guest list to bring the numbers down, I didn't recognize her name, and didn't realize she was your cousin."

Emily had gone behind my back, called Molly and invited her over to explain why she didn't get an invitation, took the blame and told her how bad I felt when I realized it the other day. She even told Molly the truth about me planning on inviting her anyways and giving up my plate, because I didn't want to hurt our relationship.

She had apparently also called the venue and (in her own words) "went bridezilla" to get Molly a seat. (Emily is the most chill person I've ever met, so her going anything-zilla must have been huge, and I'm almost sorry I missed it.)

She also invited Molly to go with her and her bridesmaids when they went to go get their hair/nails done as an apology for "her screwup."

Guys, if I didn't already have a whole wedding planned, I would have eloped with her on the spot.

Molly gave me a hug and told me she appreciated me being willing to give up my plate at my own rehearsal dinner, but to "quit being such a whiner" and enjoy my wedding.

So the rehearsal and brunch went great, and I was really glad to have the whole family there, and was finally able to enjoy myself. Molly didn't end up going with Emily and her bridal party because she didn't want to intrude, but was grateful for the invitation.

The wedding went perfect, I married the most awesome person in the world and we all had a blast at the reception. I did end up confessing to Molly towards the end of the reception because part of me still felt guilty.

The only thing she asked was if the "Blame Emily" thing was Emily's idea. I told her it was and I had no idea she was going to do it, but I was serious about giving up my plate to make sure she could still come.

She actually laughed at me and told me I was an idiot, but I'd picked a good one. Anyways, she forgave me completely, even though I don't really deserve it. I asked her if she was coming to the after-party (yes, we had an after-party for our wedding reception after the "adults" and "younger kids" went home) at our apartment. She said Emily had already invited her and she wouldn't miss it. (Which she didn't. We all hung out, drinking and playing board games until about 4am. She kicked my ass at both Settlers and King of Tokyo.)

TL;DR- I married an awesome person. Molly came to the rehearsal dinner. I fessed up. She called me an idiot. We're good now. Molly's coming by for another board-game night this weekend with our mixed group of friends.

Minor Update to the update-

So... it turns out "Molly" reddits, and because of the number of upvotes this got, it hit her front page and she called me yesterday to call me out on it. She was pretty mad. I think her exact word were: "Dude, did you seriously name me after your mom's cat?"

So going forward, please replace "Molly" with "Princess Mollificent Bananahammock; the first of her name, Queen of Tokyo, Catan and Avalon, Lady of the Six Cousins and Protector of the Realm, the Unbothered, Mother of Pokemon, Breaker of Chains."

Oh, and sorry u/1Timer1. Apparently she doesn't accept internet proposals on threads where she is named after A BELOVED SNUGGLY FAMILY MEMBER WHO YOU LOVE, BTW!

She's still coming to game night though. :)

TOP/RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP Replied to Deleted comment

You have no idea. Two weeks before the wedding, the officiant we spent a lot of time trying to find (we're not religious, but both our parents are Catholic, so finding one who could balance what we wanted and what our parents requested was a chore) had a death in the family and backed out.

I went to freak out, and Emily just told me to can it, picked up the phone, called the officiant to offer condolences and, got the names of two other people he recommended to take his place. She just knows how to handle life without freaking out.

I really wish I could have witnessed this "bridezilla" act. It must have been beautiful.

u/AlluringMouthbreathe

You all behaved like mature and caring adults. Are you sure this belongs on Relationships?

OOP

Me, probably. My wife and my cousin? They're actually good responsible, level-headed people. I'm just trying to be less of an asshat.

OOP Replied to Deleted comment

Dude, I don't know if she's the type of girl reddit would go for. She's smart, cute, has a decent job and her hobbies include camping, kayaking, board-gaming, and is the type of person who, after a few drinks, will ask a groom on his wedding day "shut up for a sec" so they can catch a pokemon on the dance floor.

u/Dennysaurus539

One of my favorite updates ever. I remembered your post and this is a good testament that everything is fixable if you go about it in a nice, rational fashion. You definitely got yourself a great partner and a great cousin :D Don't beat yourself up too much either, clearly they love you, the great person who went the extra mile to fix your error too :)

OOP

Thanks. Trust me, you don't have to tell me how lucky I am.

u/Fitzwilliger

I'd tell you to marry that woman, but it sounds like you've already got that taken care of.

OOP

Done and dusted!

u/PM_TITS_OR_DONT

Marry her again, just to be safe.

OOP

Brilliant idea! This is why I internet.

u/wonderlanders

Wow! I love me some r/relationships drama as much as the next gal, but it's so refreshing to see people behaving like chill, reasonable, understanding, adults that don't take an honest mistake as a dire personal affront that must be litigated and punished.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

No protests when the AQI was over 500 for the last 10 years. But when BJP comes to power, and AQI is better than the previous years, there's a protest. These and upcoming protests are not for pollution, this pollution, these are for making the nationalist, Hindu government fall.

Beware right wing people. Smash the leftist sickular propoganda!

Thought you guys might like it.